THE "LITA SUX" CHRONICLES

On Tuesday, January 16th, 2001 A.D., professional wrestler Dean Malenko managed to find his way to a certain anti-Lita website. After perusing the contents of said website, Mr. Malenko noticed that the site had a message board in which various Lita haters and Litaholics alike could engage in sophisticated discussion over whose side was the unadulterated truth. This was too much for Malenko to resist.

In between training, road trips, and performing in front of thousands across the nation, Malenko logged on to the message board and decided to mingle with the other Anti-Litaholics. His mission: to spread the message that Lita had the major-league hots for him, and to prove that he was in fact the greatest technical wrestler in the world today. (At the time, of course, Dean was pursuing Lita every week on WWF TV in an attempt to win her love from Matt and Jeff, the Hardy brothers.)

The regular contributors of the message board took Dean's comments to heart. What ensued was a tangled web of love affairs, messages of venomous hatred, various underhanded behind-the-scenes doings,  a spread of impostors attempting to besmirch the revered Malenko name, and some interference from Malenko's friend and fellow Radicalz member Perry Saturn .

The LitaSux.com message board readers got Dean's point... but they got more.

A LOT more.

When Inside The Web, Inc. (the company that had hosted the LitaSux.com message board) announced it was closing its doors on March 5th, 2001, Malenko realized that he had a legacy. A legacy that was FAR too important to let rot forever in the internet graveyard. He scoured the messages in an attempt to find the very best of his posts, to salvage them so that the millions across the world who had not yet laid eyes upon his verbal artistry could someday, somehow, be enlightened by his words.

The salvaged posts are as follows. Godspeed, fair wrestling fan, and may Mr. Malenko's writings have an impact on your life.

"Greetings, fellow citizens! I am "The Shooter" Dean Malenko, son of the late Boris Malenko and Man of 1000 Holds!! And on this very page you will find my message board masterpieces that I posted in early 2001! This would come to be known as my debut on the internet! From my humble beginnings here, I took my amazing writing skill to the big time... SlashWrestling.com! However, I will always remain grateful to my starry-eyed, pubescent fans on the LitaSux board for their love, support and for providing me with an open forum to express my views!

Oh yeah, my bald, brainless colleague Perry Saturn also felt the need to express what was going on in his empty little head at the time, so expect to see some of his childish drivel amongst all my Malenko-rific musings."
"Duhhh, that's right, Deano, I posted some messages on the bully-tin board too!! Don't tell anyone, but I think mine are better than Dean's... and also I get more of the gurls than he does! He probably wouldn't admit it though because he has, duhhh... what's that word??... selfish steam issues!!"
"That's SELF-ESTEEM issues, you cross-eyed orangutan!!! Saturn, you are without a doubt the most intellectually bankrupt human being I have ever encountered in all my years on this planet."
"Awww, THANKS, Dean!!"
"Now without further ado, READ THE LITA SUX CHRONICLES!!! Oh, and fair warning: this page will take a while to load if you have a dial-up connection. So if you have a shitty connection, go grab a Zima while this loads up. Oh and yes, I AM counting this as another column. Screw off if you don't like it!

P.S. I do not have self-esteem issues. Saturn is a buffoon. Now read the Chronicles. Now. I mean NOW. Go!!!"

I know 1000 holds!
Tuesday, 16-Jan-01 00:25:41

24.191.117.253 writes:  Hello, I am Dean Malenko, a.k.a. The Shooter, the Iceman, and last but certainly not least, the Man of 1000 Holds! I earned that nickname because I know 1000 holds. I am an accomplished wrestler (some say I am one of the most talented in the ENTIRE WORLD) and I have held titles in each of the "Big Three": ECW, WCW, and the WWF!  But there is one thing that irks me, week in and week out: How come none of you WWF fans cheer for ME?!! *I* know 1000 holds! I'll bet you a nickel that Lita doesn't know even ONE!! She wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! She wouldn't recognize a decent ARMBAR if it sauntered up and bit her in the kiester!! And yet she is more over than I, Dean Malenko, Man of 1000 Holds. It disturbs me, really it does! What injustice!!   And to make things EVEN WORSTER, those dang-blasted Hardy whippersnappers injured my leg while I was trying to peek on Lita in the shower! These kids today, I swear! Well, let me just say that I HAVE NO REMORSE for spying on Lita's luscious, nekkid body!! I would do it again in a nanosecond, dagnabbit! And now because of the Hardly Boyz (I said HARDLY instead of Hardy, get it? It's a joke) I am forced to sit out of active competition for several weeks and deny my Malenkomaniacs all of my astounding wrestling ability and immense knowledge of holds (I know 1000 of them, to be precise).

In conclusion, LITA IS A VERY, VERY BAD LADY. Still, I would love to cover her in barbecue sauce and work her like a rib.

Get Well cards can be sent to:  Dean Malenko  c/o WWF re: Get Well Deano! Titanland, USA

If you are a lady, please feel free to include a picture of yourself wearing as little as possible (fat/old/ugly/all of the above chicks are excluded from this offer.)  Peace Out, Dean Malenko "Man of 1000 Holds"

But... but Lita doesn' t know 1000 holds like I do!!
Wednesday, 17-Jan-01 01:01:17
24.191.117.253 writes:
You should cheer for me instead of Lita. Not only do I know 1000 holds (approximately 1000 more than Lita knows) but I am much sexier and more charismatic.

This Christmas, I bought my son a Dean Malenko action figure. Do you know what the little ingrate said? "Daddy, I said I wanted the Rock's action figure!!" I said, "WHAT?! BLASPHEMY!! The Rock doesn't know 1000 holds like me! You are NOT MY SON!!" Then I put him in a stepover toehold facelock till he cried.

My wife was upset.

- Peace Out,
Dean Malenko

Oh, THANKS... not only do you insult me, But You Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word Like A Dingus... GEEZ
Thursday, 18-Jan-01 23:30:54
24.191.117.253 writes:
Now WHY do you think I need to be slapped upside the head, Mr./Ms. I-Didn't-Leave-My-Name-Because-I'm-A-Tool??? That isn't even a HOLD, for cryin' out loud!! If you're going to discipline me, at least have the decency to use a good old fashioned spinning toehold or some such!! I would probably manage to easily reverse it on you anyway, Nameless Magee, as for every hold you may know, I have a counter for it!

I agree with your point about Lita's half-assed wrestling maneuvers. I keep asking her to come over my place late at night and practice some holds with me, but she always slaps me.

Bitch.

- Peace Out, jiggy-fresh
Dean Malenko

I admit it
Saturday, 20-Jan-01 01:01:08
24.191.117.253 writes:
Lita's wrestling ability is sorely lacking, but I must say she is one hot potater. As magically babelicious as she is, though, she never accepts my offers to bring her over to my place late at night... serve up some champagne... dim the lights... put on some SOOOOOOTHING music... and practice some NEW holds, if you smell what Dean Malenko is cookin'.

I can't understand it.

Toodles,
Dean Malenko
 

Wednesday, 17-Jan-01 16:32:24
198.209.223.93 writes:
Maybe you should get breast implants. The fans cheer for anything with implants, regardless of their wrestling skills. You might also want to invest in some platform boots. In case you haven't noticed you are kind of lacking in the height department. Chris Jericho had the same problem, then he started wearing lifts in his boots and now he is one of the most over wrestlers. Of course, Jericho can cut a good promo so you might want to invest in some throat lozenges, then maybe when you speak I won't reach for the mute button on the remote.
Finally, as a favor to us here at LitaSux, could you convince the WWF that you have the hots for Molly Holly so she gets some air time. If you wrestled her in a match you wouldn't have to do all the work, plus she is pretty cute.

- dumbass

*ahem* Admittedly valid points, but...
Thursday, 18-Jan-01 23:44:53
24.191.117.253 writes:
Thank you, "Dumbass" for your kind words. It is nice to see one of my many Malenkomaniacs post on this fine message board.

Sadly, all of those are valid points. In fact, I took your advice to heart and just today, went out and bought lifts, a stuffed sports bra, a blonde wig to cover up my receding hairline, and a megaphone to disguise my raspy voice.

I put on the bra, the high heels, the wig, and used to megaphone to give myself a high-pitched, clear voice. Upon viewing myself in the mirror, I stumbled upon a revelation. A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE little sumpin' that chilled me right to my bones.

I had become SABLE.

Needless to say, I returned all that crap and put a curse on your first born for making me look like that TALENTLESS HOSEBAG who doesn't even have enough functioning brain cells to know ANY holds, let alone 1000 like me. A REAL Malenkomaniac likes me just the way I am: the short, balding guy with the raspy voice, the permanent five o'clock shadow and vast knowledge of wrestling holds (1000 to be exact).

Please spare me any more of your "advice," as it is people like you who make this world a terrible place to live in. But aside from that, I thank you for your support, Malenkomaniac!

Peace Out,
Dean Malenko

I know more holds than Matt, Jeff, and Lita combined! (really!)
Saturday, 20-Jan-01 00:57:02
24.191.117.253 writes:
I agree with your post, Gold. Lita should NOT be paired with the Hardy Boyz. She should be teamed with ME, where we will dominate the other WWF superstars and make love like crazed weasels every night.

Jeff Hardy is a STUPID-HEAD. The Swanton Bomb isn't a HOLD!! How come all you fans cheer for it, and not for one of my good old fashioned ARMBARS?!?! Geez, sometimes I wonder about you people.

Later potater,
Dean Malenko

Re: I know more holds than Matt, Jeff, and Lita combined! (really!)
Saturday, 20-Jan-01 14:41:05
131.125.16.175 writes:
but Dean why settle for Lita when you can have me? I am a women of 1000 moves and reversals, Lita is just a women of 4 moves, none of them holds. ;)
Lita Sux

To All My Malenkomaniacs: Please remember to vote for ME, Dean Malenko as "Superstar of the Year." Anyone who knows 1000 holds (such as myself) deserves such an honor. Peace, Dean Malenko (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (20-Jan-01 00:51:28)

Hi LitaSux!
Sunday, 21-Jan-01 00:03:29
63.10.3.111 writes:
Hi Litasux, I just wanted to say hi.
Dark Angel
 

How come you didn't say Hi to ME, Dean Malenko, Man of 1000 Holds?!?!
Sunday, 21-Jan-01 02:04:17
24.191.117.253 writes:
But, I bear no ill will towards Lita Sux because she is a Malenkomaniac who thinks I am dead sexy.

I don't blame her.

- Peace, Love, and 1000 Holds,
Dean Malenko

Re: How come you didn't say Hi to ME, Dean Malenko, Man of 1000 Holds?!?!
Sunday, 21-Jan-01 10:11:19
209.167.18.222 writes:
I 'll say hi to ya...Are ya single man of a 1000 holds?..
LitaTheIntern

Re: How come you didn't say Hi to ME, Dean Malenko, Man of 1000 Holds?!?!
Sunday, 21-Jan-01 10:31:53
131.125.16.70 writes:
Oh yes Dean I so can not control my feelings towards you! you are so dead sexy, all those holds you know.. I really wish you would give me some private lessons so I can learn some more holds... ;)
Lita Sux

I'm coming back in a few weeks... Mark your calendars!!
Tuesday, 23-Jan-01 14:15:38
24.191.117.253 writes:
This is from JR's Ross Report at wwf.com:

"Dean Malenko's knee scope did not find any tears in the knee, but did clean up a great deal of debris and bone spurs. Dean will be good to go in 3-4 weeks."

That's right, fellow Malenkomaniacs, I'm feeling fit as a fiddle and I am full of piss and vinegar! Be sure to tune in when I return in a few weeks... I am sure my return show will draw record ratings.

- Peace,
Dean Malenko

Dean Malenko is confused about this message board...
Tuesday, 23-Jan-01 23:16:37
24.191.117.253 writes:
So I was checking this board to see if I had any fan mail/love letters from any of my Malenkomaniacs who post here (I did not) and I noticed that the letters on some of the posts have recently become HUGE. I mean, huge like Rikishi's ass huge. (By the way, the Stinkface is not a hold. How come Rikishi is so popular? He probably could not even apply a decent Fujiwara armbar to save himself!!)

But I digress.

All I want to know is: is there any way this problem can be remedied? It seems to have come about only after one dingus posted "LITA RULES" in enormous letters about a million times. OK, we GET it, cock knocker. Jeez.

Can anyone assist the Shooter on this one? LitaSux? Anyone?

- Peace and Love,
Dean Malenko

Hey Dean...You're HOT!
Wednesday, 24-Jan-01 20:12:58
207.139.196.140 writes:
You know what dean I'm just as confused as you are....I mean why won't anyone step up an admitt their dying love for you....Well I got my act and guts tgeheter and I baiscally can't hide my true feelings"snif""sniff" I think you'r the hottest strongets man I 've ever met an dI would love for you to lock me in your shooter..
LitaTheIntern
 

WHOA --- I mean, Heyyyy, baby...
Friday, 26-Jan-01 14:13:59
24.191.117.253 writes:
Finally, an intelligent woman! Finally, a lady that realizes how knockout sexy I am! (it is a well-known fact that chicks dig receding hairlines, raspy voices, and permanent five o'clock shadows)

and Finally, someone who realizes that a good old-fashioned ARMBAR is better than some crappy moonsault or the People's Elbow ANYDAY!! No one wants to see THOSE, as they are not HOLDS.

Give me a ring at (666) 555-1000, sweetcakes... Come on down to my love shack in Tampa and I'll show you some NEW holds, sugah!!

(If the wife answers, HANG UP!!)

- I'm Outtie,
Dean Malenko

Re: WHOA --- I mean, Heyyyy, baby...
Friday, 26-Jan-01 15:19:25
216.112.171.118 writes:
But Dean what about me! lol
Lita Sux

Oh another woman!
Friday, 26-Jan-01 17:53:35
209.167.18.212 writes:
Ugh! I don't share..lol. Thank you Dean I beleive I am intellegent..And litasux get your OWN man..Guess you lucked out.;)!Unless you wanna go with one mean sista!
LitaTheIntern

Re: Re: Re: Oh another woman!
Monday, 29-Jan-01 12:07:12
216.112.174.188 writes:
lol well chose who you want more dean or steven lol. ill take the one you dont want.. hehe
litasux

Pick ME!! PICK ME!!!!!!! (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (29-Jan-01 14:11:01)

Re: Pick ME!! PICK ME!!!!!!!
Monday, 29-Jan-01 16:48:10
207.139.196.162 writes:
well....it was a hard decsion! I ad to pick between Steven "I Am So Sexy For My White Shirt" Richardds and Dean "I sound Like An Ashtray" MAlenko and I decided to pick........ESSA RIOS! LOL!!! LOL!!! HE'S SOOOOOO FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
LitaTheIntern

Re: Re: Pick ME!! PICK ME!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 31-Jan-01 14:58:34
216.112.174.131 writes:
Hell yeah.. lmao Now essa is a real man like Dean and steven. So seeing as you gave up the 2 studs I'll just take steven and Dean both ;)
LitaSux

What is the big deal with Lita being shown near nekkid in a shower and with me in a hotel room? I see no problem with it (in fact I think it should be done every week forever and ever) (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (28-Jan-01 21:46:47)

What was so WRONG about the shower scene???
Monday, 29-Jan-01 14:14:09
24.191.117.253 writes:
I, Dean Malenko, think it was one of the most memorable things in WWF history, right up there with Hulk Hogan defeating Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III (even though there were no HOLDS in the match at all)!! In fact, when I come back we should do the shower scene again because it was such a momentous occasion.

- Ta ta,
Dean Malenko

Just a quick question - What the hell...
Monday, 29-Jan-01 02:26:32
206.28.40.3 writes:
What the hell is up with the whole "Let's take up an entire page while repeating the words LITA RULES" thing that happened a while ago? Uhmm...ok, I don't know if I should speak slowly or what. Let's try it:

Repeating Lita Rules an unimaginable amount of times not only showed your total disrespect for the members of this board *Something you bitch about them doing to you*, it also showed your total lack of ability to not only come up with something intelligent to say, but also a way to express it.
Geez, I'm sooo glad that this is the representation that Lita fans rank. Yep, it's official,apparently education takes a back seat to the exploits of Lita. So glad to know that's where we stand. *BG* By the by, still cracking me up. =)

Cheers all.
Tasha

I wondered the same thing
Monday, 29-Jan-01 14:10:25
24.191.117.253 writes:
Rest assured if I ever meet whoever is responsible for this heinous act, I will put them in the Texas Cloverleaf till they cry.

Loves,
Dean Malenko

Re: I wondered the same thing
Tuesday, 30-Jan-01 23:41:58
204.68.227.30 writes:
I'm sure I speak for all when I say Thanks Dean!! *g* You are the best.
Tasha

Moonsault... BAH, let's see if Mr. Dingus can do a good old fashioned WRISTLOCK, 'cause as it stands I am unimpressed with Sir Half-A-Year-To-Do-A-Backflip-Schmuck... (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (29-Jan-01 14:16:30)

Dean the Machine wants to know...
Wednesday, 31-Jan-01 23:32:09
24.191.117.253 writes:
First off, DID EVERYONE SEE ME ON RAW A FEW NIGHTS AGO?!?! I WAS ON TV, BABY!!! and although I am not yet well enough to be back in the ring performing my holds, I did get to ogle Lita and chow down a grilled chicken sammitch at WWF New Yawk. It was YUMMY. (And I mean both the sammitch AND Lita! HA! Oh man, that's a good one.)

Anyway, since the Man of 1000 Holds has yet to lay his eyes on the content of the Lita Sux site, I must ask: WHEN IS IT A-COMIN' BACK??? I want to see it in all its Lita-rific glory.

I have to go now... Saturn wants to play with his "Green Eggs and Ham" CD ROM. Cross-eyed putz.

Anyway, until next time, I remain
- Dean Malenko
(Calm down ladies, there's PLENTY of Deano to go around!!!)

Re: Dean the Machine wants to know...
Thursday, 01-Feb-01 01:05:54
216.112.175.203 writes:
dont worry dean-o it wil be back i just havent had time to relaunc it all but most of it is on the new server now. lol
but it will be back soon enouph for all the anti-litarific fun!
lita sux

Dean Dear
Thursday, 01-Feb-01 14:14:18
152.163.201.197 writes:
You do realize that once you get sucked into the blackhole that is lita,you won't ever get out don't you?I thought you were a man of fine taste with class.I guess your not the Man i thought you were.If you were,you wouldn't go after trailor park trash like lita.Instead you would go after someone like oh let's see..hmmm,you could go after molly holly.We all know that she'e WAY prettier than lita.By the way,since your such a LADIES man,why not go after ivory?She acts like she could use a good man to help her...relax.

I AM BACK (and I still know 1000 holds!!) PLUS: a cool picture you should see!!!
Friday, 09-Feb-01 12:50:36
24.186.8.41 writes:
Well, after battling the flu and hosting Sunday Night HeAT (Did you see it??? I am told it drew record high ratings due to my presence), Deano Machino is BACK and better than ever. Soon I will be able to get back in the ring and perform my numerous (1000) holds in tip-top shape.

For all my faithful Malenkomaniacs I give you this picture as my return present!!
I am not so sure if I know how this "HTML" coding business works, but let me attempt it anyway...

Isn't that a PHATTY-BOOM-BATTY picture, dear friends?!? Well, I must be going now, I have to catch a flight to the next WWF show! And YES, Saturn, they ARE going to give us complimentary bags of peanuts, so don't worry your empty, bald head about it!!

Peace Out,
Dean Malenko

YES!
Saturday, 10-Feb-01 19:03:09
209.167.18.163 writes:
Oh God YES! Deano YOu are back for me!I couldn't wait to see you back again.I Got really lonely with your holds! BABY you're back!
LitaTheIntern

Re: YES!
Sunday, 11-Feb-01 19:41:53
131.125.16.70 writes:
Lita the intern you can take dean. Perry has told me he will let me in on some of Dean's moves. He has dumped Terri for me, whoo hoo! lmao.
lita sux

(GASP) INSULTS!!! The two of you can EAT ME; you dingi (plural of dingus) wouldn't even know a armbar from a crowbar! (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (10-Feb-01 17:56:10)

Duhhhh... I sneaked onto the computer while Dean was not looking... hee hee hee!!
Monday, 12-Feb-01 13:34:11
24.186.8.41 writes:
Duhhh, hello girls! I am Perry Saturn! I am a profession-proseff-profect- PRO wrestler type guy! I like to look at birds and squirrels, dum dee doo...

Uh Oh, Dean is yelling at me to stop using his laptop because I will ruin his reputation with the ladies! He is calling me a "stupid, cross-eyed brain-damaged baboon!" He is using many naughty words! He is coming towards me! Now he is HITTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 AAAAAAAAAAA GET OFF ME DEAN YOU ARE HURTING ME ALOT!!!!1111111j;aldfskjlkjbicixlxlldldslllllllll99924445555555 oof

i have togo now folsk arrrrrrggggh bye from Saturn!!!!11111111

...

Hello folks. It is Dean again. Perry steps out of line sometimes because he is an BALD IDIOT. So I need to put him in his place. Anyway, we are going to go to the gym now so I must be on my way!

Peace Out,
Dean Malenko
(Ugh... that cross-eyed putz deleted all my pictures of Lita to make room for his Sesame Street CD ROM. Wotta simp.)
Perry Saturn

Dear Perry
Monday, 12-Feb-01 16:08:41
198.209.223.93 writes:
You are without a doubt the ugliest man I have ever seen.
 

Thanks,

dumbass

P.S. Dean, you can cloverleaf me anytime.RROWWRR!!!!!
dumbass

Re: Dear Perry
Monday, 12-Feb-01 17:43:15
131.125.16.73 writes:
awww poor perry well i will take you. lol seeing as dean seems to still want to pimp it to lita. so he must not have much taste or something.
lita sux

Rrrrrrowww
Thursday, 15-Feb-01 16:39:04
209.167.18.229 writes:
Lita Says:...(cause that's me)..Rrrrrrrowwwww I like a bld man with crossed eyes. That way he sees four boobs in one!roooooooow!
I still want ya Dean...SO maybe we'll arrange something..Me You and Maybe Pherhaps Balddy !Rrrrrrrowwwwwwww!lol
LitaTheIntern

Move Along SKANK!!!
Thursday, 15-Feb-01 17:34:41
209.167.18.229 writes:
He's MINE, SKANKS!!!!!!!!!!! Dean, take me me memememememememememmmmemeeememmem!!!

Make the right choice Deany!
Mr Howard

Dean Are You Single?
Thursday, 15-Feb-01 17:33:06
209.167.18.229 writes:
Dean, you probably heard the rumors going around about me and Phillip breaking up because of that ....tramp Steven Richards!!!
But Dean, I love you!!! All these little skanks won't make you happy like how I make you happy!! I....am Mr Howard! But if I like you, you can call me How How, Howie, or your bitch! I am only YOUR bitch Dean!

Forget about Lita, Dean! She can go to her oily boys! But don't forget about.....me!

Call me!
Mr Howard

i am back ill be here for a little while but not long cuz im only here to answer questions (Amy Dumas) (17-Feb-01 16:50:42)

Nice try, bitch, but you're really Lita like I'm really Dean Malenko... I mean, I'M REALLY DEAN MALENKO!!! SHUT UP!!! I KNOW 1000 HOLDS AND NOT ONE OF THEM IS A HALF-ASSED MOONSAULT LIKE SOME OTHER NAMELESS PEOPLE IN THE WWF LIKE TO DO SO MUCH (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (17-Feb-01 23:58:38)

Duhhh... Chris Benoit told me there is a little man in the fridge who turns the light on and off, but I can never catch him in time...
Sunday, 18-Feb-01 00:11:20
24.186.8.41 writes:
Duhhh... hee hee, once again, I, Perry Saturn have sneaked onto Dean's laptop computer!! Dean is napping right now. He is resting up for his BIG ring return!! When he sleeps he wears a pink nightgown and one of those nightcaps with the tassel that flops over to one side. But please do not tell anyone about it or his tough-guy reputation will be ruined!!! Also he will probably get mad and throw a shoe at me!

Uh Oh, the massive snoring sounds have suddenly STOPPED... which means that Dean is probably awaking now!!!!!! I must go before he finds me using his cum-poo-duh or he will tear the head off my Teddy Ruxpin again!! So BYE LATER TO ALL OF MY SATURNIAN FANS!!! BYE!!!!!!!

...

*YAWN* Good day ladies. It is I, Dean Malenko, returning to your fine message board! That's strange... why is my laptop on? And why is it at this website all of a sudden??? Strange.

Anyway, Deano Machino has been looking at messages over the past few days and it seems that the ladies are still drooling over me... Lita Sux, Lita the Intern... I love you all. but unfortunately it seems that there is a man of the homosexual persuasion is here and he wants to do many sexual things with me. Well, SORRY Mr. Howard, but the Man of 1000 Holds doesn't swing that way. Never. Ever. Really.

Perry is reminding me of that time Eddy Guerrero and I went out drinking some tequila, passed out, and the next thing I knew when I woke up my rear end was in a great amount of pain. SHUT UP PERRY!!! I just slept on it wrong, that's all. Nothing else. What are you IMPLYING, SATURN?!?!! I'm gonna come over there and slap you so hard your eyes will straighten!!

Now where was I? Oh yes, Mr. Howard... Sorry sir, but don't even try. I'm TOTALLY not like that. Thanx, but no thanx. Lita and I are very happy together. She digs me. We make love like crazed weasels every night. Really. Truly. For real. I swear on my dead father's grave.

Anyway, it is late and I must go back to bed for I am resting up for my BIG match later this week. I bid all of my Malenkomaniacs farewell, and Saturn is a buffoon.

Peace Out,
Dean Malenko

Not Swinging That Way??
Sunday, 18-Feb-01 21:25:14
207.139.196.164 writes:
Wow Dean, you remind me of Phillip. So sweet and innocent. I like that...it turns me on!! Now Dean, you little naughty boy! I know you love me and have the hots for me! Who wouldn't? Not only do I have a sexy body but I am better than that tramp you call a girlfriend, Lita!
Mr Howard

Dean, I know the truth
Monday, 19-Feb-01 16:41:22
198.246.3.111 writes:
You are a sick man.

Say it ain't so Dean

dumbass

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!! That website is nothing but LIES. Except for the part where they call me one of the best wrestlers in the world today and Man of 1000 Holds. That is true but EVERYTHING ELSE IS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. WATCH MY MATCH TONIGHT I AM GOING TO BEAT LITA INTO A GOOEY PASTE, YOU WATCH!!!!!!!!! (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (19-Feb-01 18:21:33)

RAW IS WAR RULED
Tuesday, 20-Feb-01 19:41:27
24.112.158.225 writes:
HI ALL LITA HATERS AND NON HAters i just want to infom you that raw kicked butt lita and matt kissed and STEPHANIE GOT THE STUNNER AND STEPHANIE GOT THE STUNNER (I AREDY MENTIONED THAT DIDNT I ?)WEL ANY HERES THE POLL OF THE DAY!
 

WHAT WAS BETTER STEPHANIE GATING THE STUNNER,OR LITA BEATING DEAN.OR LITA KISSINGMATT?
LITA BEATING DEAN 4 ME
 

JEFF HARDY IS HOTT
 

D) NONE OF THE ABOVE, Dirty Dingus Magee!! besides Lita did not really pin me, the stupid idiots at the WWF edited out the REAL end of the match where I rallied back and put Lita in the Texas Cloverleaf for the submission victory!!!! also they doctored the footage where I PASSIONATELY locked lips with Lita, and digitally changed me to look like Matt Hardy!! BASTARDS!!!! Also I am sorry I did not bring the Light-Heavyweight title with me on Monday, Saturn tried to flush it down the toilet and clogged up the pipes and got my belt all messy. So blame HIM, the cross-eyed oaf. (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (23-Feb-01 14:39:28)

If any one wants to ask me questions, I'll answer them! (Matt Hardy) (25-Feb-01 04:20:00)

UGH... taking time out of your day to impersonate a WWF superstar... that is SOOOO lame. Impostors, impostors... (n/t) (Dean Malenko) (26-Feb-01 20:30:20)

Re: UGH... taking time out of your day to impersonate a WWF superstar... that is SOOOO lame. Impostors, impostors...
Tuesday, 27-Feb-01 19:55:04
205.188.199.177 writes:
Dean, shut the hell up!! I AM the REAL MATT HARDY! Well, well, well, it seems that you have spotted an anti-Lita site, right? Figures, I thought you would. Lita is great!! You are just soo pissed off at me because she is with ME now. And what you did to her on SmackDown! was damn right wrong! Excuse my french, but well as the saying goes, Payback is a bitch! And you will see what I mean...
Matt Hardy

Re: Re: UGH... taking time out of your day to impersonate a WWF superstar... that is SOOOO lame. Impostors, impostors...
Thursday, 01-Mar-01 16:27:18
24.112.158.3 writes:
YUO TELL HIM MATT!
AMY DUMAS

Posted by Dean Malenko on 3/4/2001, 6:20 pm
24.186.8.41

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am still alive.
I managed to scour the old LitaSux.com message board and save most of mine and Saturn's posts. I will try to get them up on the "web," as they say, in some capacity within the next few days. You must realize that both me and Saturn wouldn't know HTML if it put us in a reverse Achilles lock (Hold #472) so we will probably just use a...what's the word, WYSIWYG? HTML editor. But first I need to find out what a "wizzy wig" editor is. These damn kids and their "computer" shenanigans, I swear...

Anyway I am going to watch Sunday Night Heat now because I have a match!! YOU SHOULD WATCH IT, it will no doubt be a ***** technical classic unless they stick me against some schmuck like K-Kwik and his "rap" music. (Saturn also has a match but his won't be as good and is not as important as mine, so I won't go into further detail)

Peace Out,
Dean Malenko

oh yes!!!

Posted by lita sux on 3/4/2001, 11:58 pm , in reply to "The Iceman cometh!!"
64.157.78.184

finally the sex machine has come back to this site. dean i was just reading a little story about you on ring-rats.com seem that i am nto the only one who knows about your bedroom talents >)

Re: Strange....

Posted by dumbass on 3/7/2001, 10:25 am , in reply to "Re: Strange...."
198.246.2.130
 

I think it's pretty obvious that even nice pictures of Lita are still hideous because Lita is a skank.Here is a good example:

Lita in her favorite position

THANK YOU, "dumbass"!!!!

Posted by Dean Malenko on 3/7/2001, 2:36 pm , in reply to "Re: Strange...."
24.186.8.41

That is the greatest picture to ever exist. Ever.
Well, MY schedule for tonight is booked solid!!

-Loves,
Dean Malenko
(Just don't call between the hours of 6pm - 8pm. That's DEAN'S time.)

few questions..

Posted by Lita Sux on 3/12/2001, 5:53 pm
131.125.16.76

ok i am curious as to know in the next batch of support buttons i am making..
i am adding some of jackie of coarse. but also of men.
so what men do you want me o make i am already going to do hhh, xpac, edge and christian, benoit and y2j
anyone else of interest?
on another note i need some ideas for a new campign i dont think the whole lita sux cause her thong says so thing took off. someone mentioned got cheese. that was funny but that is sorta old.
so please post any ideas on that.
also dont forget to vote for us i entered us in a few other things but the people wouldn't let us join it >(

Make a support button of MEEEEEEE!!! You support good ol' Deano, don't you?!?!?!

Posted by Dean Malenko on 3/13/2001, 4:27 pm , in reply to "few questions.."
24.186.8.41

Obviously the Man of 1000 Holds deserves one of these support doohickeys! Saturn wants you to make a support picture of him too. He is dumb as a bag of hammers, but I believe he deserves the honor as well.
Peace,
Dean Malenko
 

Re: Make a support button of MEEEEEEE!!! You support good ol' Deano, don't you?!?!?!

Posted by Lita Sux on 3/13/2001, 4:38 pm , in reply to "Make a support button of MEEEEEEE!!! You support good ol' Deano, don't you?!?!?!"
131.125.16.70

oh yes dean how can i forget you i will make you a suport button too any specific pic you want me to use? maybe the one of you giving lita that cloverleaf she so enjoyed hehe

Stupid Picture
Posted by PRLillia on 3/18/2001, 8:20 pm , in reply to "OOOH AND MORE THINGS I FORGOT TO SAY...."
209.167.18.143

there we go...lita's totally talented hurricarana! I WANNA BE JUST LIKE THAT...WOULDN'T YOU?!

Re: Stupid Picture
Posted by Dean Malenko on 3/18/2001, 9:44 pm , in reply to "Stupid Picture"
24.186.8.41

WHOA... I wish *I* was Kurt Angle!
-Deano!

Hello again! Just a message to let you know that I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT ALL OF MY MALENKOMANIACS!!
that's right... I, Dean Malenko, the Man of 1000 Holds have returned to your fine message board to dispense my knowledge upon all of you yet again!! I was wicked busy with school-- I mean, wrestling in front of throngs of people all across the nation so I didn't get to stop here as often as I'd like to! In fact I was so busy that I lost the light-heavyweight title to that little parsnip Crash. If someone tells you he beat me DON'T BELIEVE IT because the truth is I LET him win 'cause I was getting bored with winning all the time!! If they had put me up against Essa friggin' Rios ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I would have snapped and put Vince McMahon in a spinning toehold. But I didn't 'cause I'm nice. Of course losing my Light-heavyweight title can only mean that they are set to push me to bigger and better things, like the WORLD TITLE!! The rumors are flying that I will be put in the main event of Wrestlemania X-Seven because I will no doubt make the match a 1,000,000 times better because I know so many holds (I think the Rock and Austin know about 5 combined... how come everyone cheers for THEM?!! Losers!!)

Well folks, that's about the only change that has happened since the last time I spoke! Lita still loves me, I am still the best wrestler EVER, and Saturn is still a buffoon.

Oh yeah, and Vince bought the WCW. Well, shit, why did I even bother to leave last year?! It's right back to square one!! (Though it will be nice to see my nephew Chavo Jr. again!! He calls me "Unca Dean" and throws oatmeal at me! It's SO CUTE!! I mean, no it isn't! I'm the ICEMAN, GRRR!!!!)

I have to go now because Saturn wants to send many stupid e-mails to Steve Burns! He is going to try to persuade him not to leave Blue's Clues!! (that is Perry's favorite show, what a tool) So see you in the future... until next time, I remain:

Dean Malenko
Man of 1000 Holds!

I love you Amy. You are my inspriation! Your beautiful and talented. Lita is the best character. I'm just curious were to you get your pants and tops they are the best. And your moves and style of wrestling or shear brilliance. You and the Hardy Boyz are truly the best in all the WWF. I am making a site dedicated to you cause you the best Diva a that has the most grace with a litte sofistication. Go Hardyz and Lita!!!! Team Xtreme is the best. Here is my Hardyz and Lita site: http://www.geocities.com/sci_grl88/reachinginhomepage.html

Hey, yutz...
Posted by Dean Malenko on 4/2/2001, 9:01 pm , in reply to "Amy Dumas you rock!!!!"
24.186.8.41

This is not a pro-Lita site, Lita can't hear you, Lita can't see you, Lita doesn't come here, Lita doesn't even know you are alive!!! So how in the name of seven pink blackbirds do you expect her to ever see your message?!?! If you're nice to me I'll show it to her next time she stops by to have wild sex with me. (Which she does. Really. A lot.) If you're NOT nice to me, I'll put you in the mudda-effin' Texas Cloverleaf!!!!!
Peace,
Dean Malenko

Okay so I like Lita/Amy big deal. This site still has the best graphics. I just said that cause when my mom saw Lita she said she might be a bit older. And the bloodbath.com crap is all over forget that okay!! AMY DUMAS IS STILL THE GREATEST!!!!!!!

Go get hit by a speeding bus, please (n/t)
Posted by Dean Malenko on 4/4/2001, 1:33 pm , in reply to "The was not me before!!"
24.186.8.41

Dean you are too much...
Posted by PRLillia on 4/4/2001, 4:13 pm , in reply to "Go get hit by a speeding bus, please (n/t)"
207.139.196.199

lmfao!
You tell 'em Deano Machino!

PR

Thank you very much!
Posted by Dean Malenko on 4/5/2001, 5:05 pm , in reply to "Dean you are too much..."
24.186.8.41

YES!!!!!!! Another MALENKOMANIAC to add to the list! That brings the total up to FOUR!!!! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, FANS!!!!!!!!!
Peace,
Dean Malenko

Also I cannot believe that Saturn was enough of a buffoon to make us lose our tag match against the Acolytes!!
On second thought, maybe I can!!

- Deano!

"The 1,001st Hold"

"Hee hee hee, I took this fotograff with a hidden camera while Dean was in the bathroom!! This will be our little secret, OK Mr. Person Reading This Page?? Because if Dean finds out he will hit me with a shovel! Now please click on me to return to Dean's Homepage! But please be gentle when you click me, I do not want your silly pointer to roo-in my dashing good looks!!!"