The bitch is back!

The Shooter's RAW Magazine Revue: January 2002
by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko!

January 2002: Dead Man Walking (Literally and Figuratively)

HELLO ONCE AGAIN, MALENKOMANIACS! Well, it should be obvious to everyone with a pulse that the new year has arrived! And what better way to start this palindromic new year with a bang than with the glorious return of my trademark RAW Magazine reviews?! Yes, in an event more long-awaited than Triple H's return, I have once again made RAW Magazine safe for you tools to read! I would have had this review finished sooner but I did not want that dastardly Triple H and his sizable schnozz to steal my thunder! Much like that juiced-up jackass, I, too was severely injured over the past few months! Due to a wicked hangnail, I was understandably much too incapacitated to turn the pages of this lousy rag! I didn't want to chance it, either... if I had gotten a paper cut on top of my devastating hangnail, my career in writing literary masterpieces on the internet may very well have been over! BUT, because of my guts, determination and intense consumption of alcohol to numb the pain, I was able to rehabilitate myself back to tip-top shape! I tell you, I was in that rehab center for 27 hours a day, 8 days a week! It was grueling, but it was all worth it to return to what I love doing: getting drunk, watching Family Ties, and passing out whilst babbling sweet love nothings to Mallory Keaton! Oh yeah, and writing these things! And that, dear reader, brings us to this point in time! As always, if you have a copy of this, go get it and play along! If not, go buy one, cheap ass! Strap in folks, 'cause HERE WE GO:

page 6: ROSS from Ringside: Capital letters?! Has JR gone RUDO on us?! Anyway, our favorite fat Okie has yet another list of questions he had stuffed under his black Resistol hat! And once again your favorite handsome Shooter has the answers to these questions! Here you go:

Will weight issues be the unnecessary downfall of some prominent Superstars in the WWF?
Probably, if THIS guy's in charge! "[cradling a bucket of chicken] Quite frankly, you need to drop some *CHOMP, CHEW* weight before we let you on the primary *BURP* roster! You're a young hoss *GULP, SMACK, CHOMP* with a bright future in *SLURP, EAT* this business! *BELCH* Wanna leg?! [young hoss reaches for it, JR pulls it away] FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' FAT FUCK, you eat nothing for the next six months or your ass is BAH GAWD fired! Erk...I think I can feel my heart chambers shutting down..."

Why is Paul Heyman so easy to dislike?
Ya got me! Just remember folks, JR does NOT hate Paul Heyman, no matter how much he bashes him on TV! "Even though I have invoked Satanic incantations on the Heyman family name at house shows and burned a cross on Paul's front lawn, behind the scenes we're really good buds, BAH GAWD!! Put 'er there, Paulie! (ya dirty Jew...) What? Oh, uh, nothing!" WHATEVER, Jimbo! It's like my pappy Boris Malenko once said: "Never trust a fat southern man with Bell's palsy wearing a cowboy hat!" Words to live by!

What is Matt Hardy thinking about these days?
Boobies. Being a fellow male, I can assure you that's ALL we think about! "Gawsh, Jayeff, ah wish ah wuz grabbin' some funbags raht now!"

What does the future hold for Diamond Dallas Page?
And that's...a GOOD thing! ...I think...
BANG!!! Uh, is anyone watching?!
(A picture is worth 1000 words, from the Man of 1000 Holds! Dude, that's like, COSMIC!!)

Does anyone verbalize more effectively than William Regal?
NEVER mention "verbalizing effectively" and a British guy in the same sentence! "Blimey guvnah! What a load o' bollocks! It's all feckin' gobshite, I tell ya, Willie! I think I'll take the lift up to Bailey's, eat some crumpets, quaff some alkeyhol, and get so bloody shitfaced I'll need to change me nappies!" You call THAT verbalizing effectively?!

Will Tajiri realize sooner than later that he needs to speak better English?
I'll let my crabby compadre from the Land of the Rising Sun deal with this one!

Jim The Good Ol' JR Ross JR is fat! and stupid! Is!
"HAHAHA! What a dumb, fat, Oklahoma swine is Jim JR Ross of the much barbecue sauce!! English not necessary is for being great wrestler! This is why wrestle from great nation of Japan is of much better than you Engrish speaking snobs! Imagine, you white devils forcing us to mastering art of stupid language of American! HA! You foolish pigs!"

Can X-Pac have a healthy 2002?
No, because I hired several large Mexicans to beat the snot out of him with a crowbar! It set me back quite a bit financially, but honestly:
Hiring Pepe, Jose, and Tito to end X-Pac's career: $3000 and a couple of burritos at "Big Bobo's Taco Hut"
Never having to watch X-Pac wrestle ever again: PRICELESS

Who will be Tough Enough this season on MTV?
ME, if there were any justice! But NOOOOO, instead they've got guys like Hardcore Holly on that stupid show! Listen... Bob Holly is far from the type of person MTV is looking for! I mean, he has a receding hairline and absolutely no charisma! MTV and the WWF both want nothing to do with a guy like that! So quite frankly, I should be on TE2, basking in the limelight of MTV stardom, and making guest appearances on that Spring Break show! I bet I could pick up some of those drunken teenage bitchez! I'm hotter than all five of the Backdoor Boys or whatever their name is!

Will Spike Dudley ever find true love?
Can the light-heavyweight talents ever find their place in the sun?
Will you sample JR's BBQ Sauce when it becomes available in stores later this year?
Will Albert and Scotty Too Hotty become a main-event tag team?
Will Lance Storm's in-ring ability be recognized by those that matter?(i.e., by people who aren't acne-ridden internet dweebs?!)


page 8: Kurt Angle promotes his book. Apparently, he visited the Regis & Some Other Broad morning show recently! Personally, I think he stopped by a few months too late! If he had put Kathie Lee Gifford in the ankle lock, I could have died a happy man! "This is for all those kids you had working in the slums of Calcutta for 5 cents an hour, bitch! WHOOOOOOO!!!"

page 10: Fantasy Warfare: RAW begins its slow descent into the realm of crappy kayfabe magazines by attempting to predict match results in a sport where the outcomes are predetermined! You go, RAW Magazine! Anyway, they weigh the pros and cons of two legendary wrestlers, Kane and Big John Studd! Who do *I* think would win? Definitely Kane, because John Studd is, you know, DEAD! Dead people have difficulty kicking out before the three-count! And besides, with the exception of Terry Funk, the living dead do not wrestle! End of story! The only way I could see Studd taking the upset victory here is if he KO'd Kane with the overwhelming stench from his decaying, lard-laden corpse!

Arguing about which wrestler would win in a fight...Christ, was this article was written by Mrs. Yahootie's 3rd grade Special Ed class?! "DAHHHH NO WAY AUSTIN COULD BEAT THE ROCK JOEY YOU STUPID!!!! AHAHAHAHAahahahaaaaaaghhhh [drool]"

page 14: "Don't Mess with This Texan" An interview with Bradshaw! It's the typical Bradshaw interview: "Hey look, even though he's big and strong, he knows a lot about financial stuff! He's probably even smarter than YOU! See, not ALL wrestlers are big, drooling, spandex-wearing meatheads!" Is that really THAT impressive, folks?! I mean, UPN even did a piece on Mr. Shaw regarding his financial smarts, in a part of their ongoing campaign to tie in the WWF with all their news reports! "The World Wrestling Federation's BRADSHAW! He knows about stocks and money and stuff, you know! We'll talk with the WWF's POWER broker...UP NEXT! You're watching UPN!" How soon will it be till we see "300 children in West Testicle, Montana killed by radiation poisoning from a leaky nuclear reactor! We'll see what the Rock thinks about this dire situation...RIGHT AFTER THIS!"

Hey, check out this picture of a young Bradshaw:
Yes, that's REALLY Bradshaw
Man, sometimes these things just write themselves!

Anyway, I'm (Brad)SHAW that this article is crap! NEXT!!!

He looks like the Kool-Aid Man
"Hello, fans! Ah am a BIG TOMAYTA! Guess where this finger has been! MAH GAWD!"

page 24: "72 Hours: You Don't Know Half the Story Until You've Walked a Mile in J.R.'s Boots" I'd rather wear my OWN shoes, thx! But anyway, here is a quote from this article: "Ross studies notes before the start of the No Mercy pay-per-view. JR's meticulous preparation is a huge part of his on-air duties." Now, NORMALLY one could only speculate as to what Good Ol' JR had scrawled on these pages! BUT, you tools forget that you're dealing with a bona fide WWF Superstar here, and I have access to such backstage shenanigans! So I put Tubby in an armbar and stole his notebook, and now I reveal the shocking truth to ordinary people like YOU!

- Plug BBQ sauce at least 500 times per televised show, 700 times during pay-per views!
- Keep in mind: Chris JERICHO = smartass with long blond hair. Chris BENOIT = the guy with the missing tooth and short arms. Everyone makes fun of me for confusing the two even though they have appeared on every show for 2 years, but c'mon! They look so damn similar! They're practically TWINS, bah gawd!! No one understands the pain I go through, dear diary! Oh wait, this isn't my diary!
- Under NO circumstances call a wrestler's finisher, other than the Stunner and the Rock Bottom!
- Terms to use:
        [WRESTLER'S NAME HERE] has been broken smack dab in half! (reminder: this is only in the figurative sense!)
        Hey, where's my underwear?!
- Fire that short guy with the receding hairline and scratchy voice, or at the very least, demote him to our farm federations! This asshole has been causing trouble since day one and I'm sick of dealing with the putz! And he wonders why we never gave him a push! As he would say, what a TOOL!
(HA! I feel sorry for whoever that is! - Dean)

pg. 30: "When Business Meets Pleasure: Stone Cold Steve Austin and Debra are Sports-Entertainment's Ultimate Power Couple!" Stop right there. Since when is being married to Debra "PLEASURE?!" The woman looks positively ghastly! She looks older than ME, for Chrissake! Uh, I mean, not that I'm old or anything!! SHUT UP!!!

Anyway, Stone Cold enlightens us with these words: "Yes, you've got Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, but as far as I'm concerned, Debra is one of the top females in the business. Before she left to take care of me, she was already one of the top females in the business, if not the top female in the business." All I have to say is: WHOO-CHH! WHOO-CHH! Wait, how do you type that whip cracking sound? See, he's WHIPPED, so...right. SHUT UP, it was funny when I was off my rocker on Pete's Wicked Ale at 3 a.m. last night!

But mayhaps I've been too critical to poor Debra! Austin may be on to something when he claims that Debra is a smart, talented woman! Yes indeed, Debra is a master in the field of "Standing Around at Ringside and Applauding During All the Right Times!" Way to go, horseface! I cannot even begin to fathom why this woman gets a better reaction from the masses than I do! ("Deano-san! Obvious it is to me that there is are TWO BIG REASONS for success of Mrs. Stone Beer Cold Austin Rattlesnake!") Who asked YOU?!

page 36: "The Shadow of the Past: Could the Superstars of Yesteryear Cut It in the Federation of Today?" Holy Socks, what is this, the Senior Citizen issue of RAW Magazine?! Seriously! This magazine is full of old or dead folks! Nikki freakin' Sixx of Motley Crue is on the back cover, fergawdsakes! There are even old farts in the ad copy now! You see what happens?! I miss a few months of reviews, and this rag descends into a deeper pit of hell than before! I think we're down to the seventh layer now!

pg. 51: "Making the Dream Reality: Tough Enough winners Maven and Nidia still have a long road ahead" Yer damn skippy they do! Three months of, as this article sayeth, "putting your body through months of rigorous torture," and for what? Three matches against Tazz and getting your skull fractured by the business end of an Undertaker chairshot! WOW, you beat TAZZ! THAT'LL look good on your resume! Who HASN'T beaten Tazz these days?! Even Funaki isn't afraid of Tazz! Hell, even *I* could beat Tazz! I mean, of COURSE I would beat Tazz! I'm not a jobber! (really!) Now you may say, "But Dean, Maven DID eliminate the Undertaker at the 2002 Rumble! That should catapult him to superstardom, shouldn't it?" Well, I'll give you that! He DID eliminate the 'Taker from the Royal Rumble! Just like...Giant Gonzales! And look at the echelon of fame HE reached! *snicker* Anyway, see you in the farm feds, Eyebrow Boy! I'll be sure to save my stiffest Cloverleaf just for YOU! (tool) ...No, I am NOT bitter because Maven is already more over than I am! SHUT UP ("Plus, I bet if he grew his hair in, he'd still have more than you!") Why do I keep this guy around?!

And let's not forget that other broad who won! 3 months of constant torment from an orange midget from Brooklyn, all for the chance to accompany Maven to ringside a few times! WOW. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Nidia!

"It takes a special kind of person to wait in line to get their tails kicked, but that's what Maven and Nidia did." Yeah, SPECIAL is the right word! "AHHHH DUHHH HEE HEE HIT ME AGAIN, PAIN DON'T HURT AND BESIDES MY HELMET WILL ABZORB THE PAIN!!! [drooooool]"

page 57: The RAW Magazine Old Person Love-In continues with an article on Ernie Ladd, who was wrestling before most of you were just a dribble down your papa's leg! Quoth this article: "In addition to his political activity, Ladd is part of a Christian ministry that travels to prisons and provides services to inmates." So THAT'S where Booker T stole his act from! And I thought his confessional segment was original! SHAME, Booker, SHAME! Anyway, since nobody knows who Ernie Ladd is, Booker could run with this reverend gimmick! I could see the Booker Man touring prisons nationwide! "What do you wish to git off yo' chest today, sucka?!" "Whut da FUCK?! Whutchoo talkin' 'bout, nigga?! Pro wrasslin'... sheeit, ditch dat fake wrasslin' shit and come fuck wit da big boyz fo' REAL! If ah wuzn't behind dese here bars I'd fuck you up good, muvfucka!!" "Tell me... he didn't just say dat!! I'ma spinaroonie right outta dis joint! Feets, do yo' stuff!"

page 64: ...the HELL?! This must be new... "The Finisher: Droz is Still a Superstar"...and it's by Tazz! TAZZ! Who in the name of Lou Thesz let Tazz write an article?! Something tells me this article was ghostwritten... I mean, there's no WAY Tazz could have formed a coherent sentence on his own! He didn't even graduate the fourth grade, fertheluvvaChrist! I'll betcha this article started out as "BROTHA, DROZ IS A CRIPPEL!! I WOOD CHOAK HIS AZZ OWT BUTT HE PROBALY WOODN'T FEAL IT!!!!!!!!" scrawled on a napkin in orange crayon! They give THIS guy an article, and yet they pass up the opportunity to let a Shakespearean bard such as myself write for their lousy magazine! And for that matter, how come Droz gets a article, and *I* don't?! People with no feeling in their hands make lousy typists! Hey... I'm noticing a correlation here:

1995 - Tazz suffers a broken neck at the hands of Too Cold Scorpio, myself... well, I'm SORRY! I was drunk! You understand, don'tcha?
1999 - Droz suffers a broken neck at the hands of D'Lo Brown at a SmackDown! taping

So I guess you have to have a black guy drop you on your head to get an official column around here! Go figure! I think I'll stay on the 'Net and keep my vertebrae intact, thankyouverymuch! And that's all for this month, Malenkomaniacs! SEE YA!!!