Did I just call you Pantso?!

ON MY "RETIREMENT:" Well, the rumors are true, as I will be moving away from a full-time wrestling schedule in the coming months! I thank all my Malenkomaniacs for their continued support! I will still be employed at the WWF as a trainer and road agent! Me as a road agent! Ugh... can you imagine a high-class WWF Superstar such as myself being reduced to booking Justin Credible vs. K-Kwik in the backwoods of West Testicle, Montana?! Oh well, at least it's SOMETHING...

August 2001: Care For a Spot o' Morphine, Guvnah?
This stupid magazine for jerks was hard to find this month! No doubt for two reasons: 1) My name was on the cover, and 2) word got out about my unbiased, well-written revues of this rag! So it is quite obvious that people are buying this periodical like hotcakes for the sole purpose of reading along with my tremendous recaps! And on top of that, who wouldn't want to read an interview with ME, in which I talk about my world famous pappy, Boris Malenko and why a Fujiwara armbar is infinitely superior to a cross-arm breaker?! You can see why this thing was FLYING off the shelves!

And what is up with CRZ filing these magazine reviews under "Humour?" That's not true, these are SERIOUS RECAPS! He even included that extra "u" in there that only elitists, Limeys, and Canucks use! CRaZy, I tells ya! Now let's get to the (SERIOUS) revue!

Fun with Jim Ross! It's time to play "What's My Line?!" In this game, I supply you with a quote, and you guess which part is the actual quote, and which part I made up! Here is a sample from "Ross from Ringside" on page 4! Now which part is fabricated by yours truly, and which was written by that overfed, overstuffed, overweight Oklahoma oaf?

"Trust me when I say that Jackie is the toughest female pound for pound in the business. On a good day, she can beat any female I've seen and some male light-heavyweights! Despite all this, however, she is not over, was never over, and nor will she ever be over! Ya know, when no one cares about you even after you make regular appearances on one of the highest rated shows on MTV, something is WRONG, skippy! Now go cry over Shadrick some more, sweetcheeks! I don't care HOW 'Tough Enough' you are... you're hangin' on to your job by a THREAD, biotch! Oh yeah, and everyone buy my goddamn barbecue sauce! I have to make the last payment on my yacht!!"

Well, readers... Who Said What?! Those who get the question right will receive............ an overwhelming sense of intellectual satisfaction within themselves! You don't get jack diddly from me, though!

page 13: Triple H rehabs his torn quadricep the best way he knows: by risking life and limb in a funny car! And by MACKIN' IT with Stephy Baby, yo.

The design on the car scares me
"OK, they took the picture! I can get out now! ...I said, I can get out now! Uhf! Ergh! Eh!... Heh heh heh... ah... I'm STUCK, you empty-headed whore! Now stop kissing me and get the goddamn Jaws of Life! DAMN MY RIPPLING PECS! I KNEW those horse steroids would come back to bite me in the ass!"


page 14: The interview is titled "Big Footsteps, Bigger Accomplishments!" Big accomplishments, yes! But admittedly, my footsteps aren't that big! It's not a fun feeling when I'm walking along the beach and I can't tell my own footprints from my five year old daughter's! *sniff* I mean, the clothes I wear are so small, I have to shop in the boy's section at J.C. Penney! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IT LIKE!!! *sob* I promised myself I wouldn't cry... hey, why are there ice cubes popping out of my eyes?

(Don't tell anyone about the boy's section of J.C. Penney thing... it's my DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET!)

Now, as is always the case, I was grossly misquoted several times in this interview! So, for the benefit of you, the reader, I will go through it and clear up any misconceptions you may derive from this reading!

"Q: Would you go to shows and watch your father wrestle?"
Me: I never really watched my dad wrestle much."

Well, of COURSE not! Because that so-called "sports entertainment" crap is not a REAL SPORT! My pappy, Boris Malenko, always wanted me to come watch him wrestle at the local shows, but I had no interest in watching such tripe! Remember folks, wrestling is a stupid, ludicrous, fake sport...unless *I* am doing it!  Then it's a technical wrestling extravaganza and a legitimate athletic contest which should be revered by all! "OOOOOHHHH WHATCHA GONNA DO BROTHA SAY YOUR PRAYERS AND TAKE YOUR VITAMINS..." that's not WRESTLING! So anyway, I really never bothered to watch Dad do whatever it was he did! As a youth, I preferred to spend my days searching for unusual insects under rocks, and then throwing said rocks and insects at the retarded kids around the neighborhood! Dad always wondered why I'd come home at the end of the day covered in drool! And WOW you should see the rocks bounce off those funny helmets! And what Dad never knew was that while he was off participating in his fake, glamorized "entertainment" garbage, I was usually rifling through his extensive collection of porno magazines! I'd never seen a woman do that with an iguana before!

"Q: How did being a second-generation wrestler affect you when you first entered the business?
Me: For my first two years, I didn't use my real name. I didn't want that stigma."

Being the nice guy that I am, I didn't want to overshadow my pappy with my astounding wrestling acumen! I mean, it would have been hard on the old geezer to hear everyone say "Hey! There goes that future superstar, Dean Malenko! Even at this young stage of his career, he is already infinitely superior to his washed-up father, uh...Horace...Morris...whatever his name was! You da MAN, Deano!"

So I used a pseudonym when I was just starting out! I admit that I'm not the most creative guy in the world, but fortunately the guys at the independent federations I used to work for always suggested ring aliases for me, such as "Mike Oxlittle," "Phil Myass," and "I. Amatool." It was very creative and generous to give up some of their valuable time to think of ring names for me!

.............................Hey, wait a minute...!

"Q: How nervous were you coming here?
Me: ...I think it definitely paid off for me and others. I've been able to do a lot of things here I wasn't able to do there."

Like wrestle on Jakked! I mean, if I were still in WCW, would I have been able to wrestle on Jakked, a WWF show?! I think NOT! Thank you for the opportunity, Vince! (tool)

"Q: You mentioned the Malenko Wrestling School earlier. Do you still operate it?
Me: I closed it about two years ago, because I was on the road so much. ...it got to the point where I was leaving students in other people's hands. I always said that when my dad passed away if there wasn't a Malenko there to train people, then I didn't want to keep the school open."

Makes sense to me! I mean, without ME, what other Malenkos are there to train people?! Dad? No. He's dead. Duh! My brother Joe? No, he's a loser! He's not all there, quite frankly! He lives in a cardboard box in the outskirts of our hometown, Tampa! He has conversations with rocks and he kills rats with a toothpick for food! So obviously he is not the kind of person I want training potential future Shooters! My wife? Nah, technically she's only a Malenko by marriage and besides, wimmenz don't belong in a wrestling ring! Mom? No, she's dead too. I think. Maybe I should call and find out, but I'm too busy doing... uh...you know... stuff! SHUT UP!!!

Anyway, I closed that place 'cause I got sick of wave after wave of inbred hicks asking me "Hey, Mister Malenker, ah'm sick of these armbars! When do we get ta do one o' them hurry-can-rannas?!" Ugh! And as if that weren't enough FUN for me, I get to train the lazy lumps of flesh down in OVW! Whoop-dee-doo! I'll be sure to help Eric Angle beat all of his screaming fans off with a stick!  HAHA! What an oaf! I'll also remember to bring my sun lamp, as he has become awfully pale from constantly living in his brother's shadow!

"Q: Are you involved at helping out some of the younger guys here?
Me: ...There are guys now doing things athletically that I never would have fathomed 20 years ago. Jeff Hardy is a great example. ...I'm more than happy to help out if someone wants it."

Yes, I admit it! I said it: Jeff Hardy can and does pull out some impressive high-flying maneuvers! I stick to my previous statement, 'cause I'm a man of my word! However, all the impressive high-flying maneuvers in the world won't change the fact that Jeff Hardy is a stupid faggoty raver-lookin' jackass! FEAR is only a four letter word, Jeff... then again, so is TOOL!

"Q: Who are some of the best guys you've worked with?
Me: Otani, Hakushi, Kobashi, and Liger are just some of the great athletes in Japan with whom I've had some really memorable matches."

"Otani, Hakushi, Kobashi and Liger?" Is that the Jap version of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young? Anyway, it shouldn't even have to be stated that I had great matches with these slanty-eyed superstars! Myself and those yellow fellows are a winning combination in the squared circle! In fact, so respected was I in Japan, that every time I stepped into the ring to do battle with one of my fellow wrestlers, the Japanese fans would shower me with cries of "Yusuk!" My good friend Jushin "Thunder" Liger later told me that "Yusuk" was a Japanese phrase of respect, meaning "We are in awe of your technical wrestling ability, you hot hunk of man!" People shouted that phrase at me a lot back then, and they still do today in American rings! So as you can see, I was quite the superstar in Japan! Hey, I wonder why Liger was stifling laughter when he told me this...?

"Q: Have you given any thought as to what you'd like to do after you stop competing in the ring?
Me: Maybe a male stripper. [laughs] Just kidding."

I am misquoted AGAIN! I never said I was kidding! What's so funny about the idea of me being a male stripper!? The ladies would swarm to my shows like flies swarm to dog dooky! Hell, when your job entails running around in your underwear in front of thousands of people, you might say you already have some male stripping experience!

"Q: Do you think that your father would be proud of your professional accomplishments?
Me: ...I know that every night that I step into the ring, he's looking down and is proud of what I do."

Uh, actually I said that he was probably looking UP, if you catch my drift!

My sincere apologies for the head on my shoulders joke

And finally, why is there a Saturn head growing out of my neck here?! I should have a doctor check that out! Also notice the referee checking to see if John Q. Jobber is going to submit... DUH, isn't it obvious? Do you even need to ask the li'l ham 'n egger?!

("I guess you could say you've got a good head on your shoulders, huh?") I could say that, but that joke fucking sucks, so I won't! ("Well, *I* thought it was clever...")

page 20: Article about the most famous jobber of all time: The Spanish Announcer's Table! This article contains a funny joke from the Big Show! "'You know why they always hit the Spanish table? Because no one can do the commentary on our match if they destroy the English one,' jokes Big Show. 'You wipe that out, and Jim Ross can't get us over.'" Big Show getting over? HA, that IS funny! Keep reaching for the stars, Showster, you might just have a place in this business! (as the world's biggest towel boy! HAHAHA!! WELLLLL it's the Big Tool!)

page 28: Photo shoot with the lovely and talented---well, one out of two ain't bad---Terri. Saturn faxed me a copy of Terri's resume, and her official job title in the WWF is "1996 - present: Professional Arm Candy." I love these photo spreads 'cause not only are they babe-o-licious, but I don't have to review them either! NEXT!!!

[Insert Obligatory BEEF CURTAINS~! Reference Here, Comedically Intertwined With The Photos Of A Scantily Clad Woman] It seems like you tools "mark out" (whatever that means) for BEEF CURTAINS so I included it here. Aren't I nice? (Don't answer that!)

page 36: Article on Lou Thesz and his admiration for Kurt Angle. Lou Thesz... now THERE was a man! It is good to see one of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time (second only to me) grace the pages of this rag! A true champion of champions who reigned over all back in the day when the fans judged you by the finesse of your fireman's carry takeover, and not by the amount of swear words in your catchphrases!

However, I was disappointed in this little tidbit: "Now 85, Thesz has been retired for years." Oh COME ON! Is he gonna let a little grey hair and osteoporosis stop him from dominating in the ring?! QUITTER!!! I say we bring him back, and have the Rock job clean to him! That's REALISTIC! He could take the Rock eight days of the week! He might be a little up there in years, but Louie really knows how to really cinch in a good old-fashioned headlock! All the Rock can do is his stupid eyebrows and elbows! Thesz would have Rocky screaming like a little girl with his many wrestling holds in seconds! Also, I'd have Lou no-sell the People's Elbow and rip Rocky's stupid eyebrow right off his skull! Show the public what hogwash it really is! If you think the People's Elbow is a legitimate wrestling hold, I have a bridge to sell you! I also have a Cloverleaf with your name ALLLLLL over it, you bumbleheaded booby!

"But Dean," you say, "if he expects to get over in today's fast-paced world, he needs some sort of gimmick!" Fear not, I've got it covered! If we absolutely MUST sink to disgracing him with a gimmick name, how about "The Geriatric Juggernaut?" Or "Leapin' Louie the Sinister Senior Citizen?!" Have him bring a bedpan down to ringside, and when the referee's back is turned: WHAM!!  I'm telling you, these are gimmicks with "money" written all over them!! Screw training and road agentry... make me a BOOKER! I'm just brimming over with great ideas!

What, me worry?
And hey look, they based the engraving on a picture of Angle from back when he actually had hair! And YOU, Parentheses Guy, don't even START on the hypocrisy of the receding hairline comment or you WILL receive a devastating rear chinlock! ("I'll be good...")

page 44: Article on William Regal's miraculous comeback. "I know my style and what I can and can't do. It's no good to completely lchange my style to fit into the WWF." Yes, as the WWF commentators have stated many times in the past, William Regal wrestles with a very "unorthodox style!" Which, as everyone knows, is JimRoss-ese for "Those stupid American buffoons will never, EVER appreciate it!"

"Long known in wrestling circles for his technical ability and physical toughness, Regal has been a darling of Internet fans and technical wresting enthusiasts for years." Damn straight he has! This guy's name attracts tildes~! like Jeff Hardy attracts prepubescent teen girls and homosexual adult males! I read a 'Net article back in 1998 during Regal's darkest hour, in which he struggled with a morphine addiction. It went a little somethin' like this:


Truly a poignant tale! I for one am glad to see him back, 'cause I like to make fun of British people! You tea drinkin' limey bastuds!

page 52: Obligatory Article About a Random Midcard Wrestler for this month focuses on Jerry "Who?" Lynn. "Lynn (bottom), slapping on a painful bow-and-arrow submission, has made a quick impact." On Jakked! HAHAHA! He strikes fear into the heart of many a low-paid indy fed putz! And man, you should see Essa Rios cower like a little girl upon mention of Jerry's name! "¡Ay caramba, es Jerry Lynn! ¡No es bueno! ¿Ahora, donde esta mis pantalones? ¡El taping de Jakked es en una hora!"

"'Tell him about the time I broke your arm,' Dean Malenko grunts, noticing Lynn locked in conversation with a reporter." [Malenko's Note: I do not "GRUNT!!" What am I, a freakin' pig?!] "Lynn manages a smile. 'Yeah, that happened in WCW [World Championship Wrestling],' he says. 'He shot me up over his shoulder and was bringing me down from the top rope, and my elbow hyper-extended and dislocated. I did everything you could do to an arm in one shot---fracture, partial ligament tear above my tricep, everything'."

Now faithful Malenkomaniacs, I implore you to not believe a single word out of Jerry Lynn! The story he outlines in the preceding paragraph is full of vicious, slanderous half-truths! While it is, in fact, true that Mr. JL was to be brought down by his arm and take a bump from the top rope, it was NOT my fault that he blew the spot like a retard! I'm the Man of 1000 Holds, remember, I KNOW what I'm doing between those ropes! Anyway, there he was, perched on the second turnbuckle, when I charged over to him and grabbed his arm! As I did this, I heard Jerry cry "No, wait, Dean! This isn't the ending we agreed on! I'm supposed to reverse this into a tornado DDT for the victory---[snap] AAARRRGGHHH!!!" And I pulled him off by his arm and threw him on the ground! He sold the "arm injury" very well, I must admit! To make it look more convincing, I worked over the "injured" arm for another five minutes with a series of armbars, wristlocks, and the Greco-Roman arm stomp! I then mercifully ended it with the Texas Cloverleaf! (it is a little known fact that this move puts intense pressure on the arms) What a TOOL! Imagine! Blaming ME for his boneheaded mistakes! No wonder he went from ECW World Champion to WWF King of the Dark Match! HAHAHA!

And there you have it! The real story straight from the horse's mouth! I'm not a horse, though! OR a pig! "Grunts..." Jesus!

page 58: Three baseball players --- Sean Casey, Dmitri Young and Danny Graves by name --- share their thoughts about the state of wrestling today! But who cares what these so-called "athletes" think?! Baseball is a FAKE sport! NEXT!!!

page 62: Some article on Scotty 2 Hotty and how he was wrestling before he had hair on his junk or something. Oh, OKAY...As much as it pained me to waste valuable reading and typing time on anyone who tries to pass off the W-O-R-M as a wrestling hold, I actually read this article for the sake of you tools! It tells of young Scotty's quest to become a great wrestler (a quest which he, obviously, has yet to fulfill)! In fact, so great was Scotty's love for the sport, that he actually began wrestling when he was only 16 and still in high school! While that sounds early for most, I have him beat! For you see, none other than I, "The Shooter" Dean Malenko, was practicing my holds and reversals whilst I was still in the womb! Back in those days, Mama's uterus was my wrestling ring! It is rumored that my constant brushing-up on my moves is what caused Mom's placenta to fall out during birth! Anyway, some of you tools probably don't believe me, so here is a picture:

'The Fetus' Dean Malenko

As you can see in the bottom right hand corner, I have cinched in the rare, dreaded "Inverted Umbilical Cord Lock!" Since this time many a hopeful fetus has used this move en route to stardom! Note to all would-be wrestlers: I say as soon as you're a multi-celled organism, you're ready to start training! It's NEVER too early!

That's it for this month, Malenkomaniacs! The best part of this issue, besides all the stuff about me? No music review! Just think, we could have been subjected to DROWNING POOL!! "(ONE) NOTHIN' WRONG WITH ME (TWO) NOTHIN' WRONG WITH ME" No, fellows, there IS something wrong with you! YOU SUCK BULBOUS HIPPO SCROTUM!!!


Oh, the horror, the HORROR!!!

Until next time, you tools... I am not an animal! And ESPECIALLY not a pig or a horse!

"The Shooter" Dean Malenko