Random Thoughts on the
June 2001 Issue of RAW Magazine
by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko
But first, some stuff I need to get out of the way:
HAPPY (BELATED) BIRTHDAY: To none other than the Z-man himself! Congrats on the Big 3-0!
DEDICATIONS: To Y2Jason, Shaddax, HHHutch, and Y-Pac for being my biggest fans! Thank you for your support, Malenkomaniacs! But frankly, you guys need to drop your respective Jericho/Raven/HHH/X-Pac shticks... Please, folks, do we REALLY need to have message board gimmicks?! How totally gay!
I GET LETTERS: This one is from Jeff Cao of Somewhere on Earth:
> Hi. I just came
off the CRZ forums, and I noticed your posts claiming to be Dean Malenko
(aka, the guy
> who knows three less holds than Chris Jericho).
> You're pulling our leg, right?
Only when I'm applying a half Boston Crab on someone! HAHA!! GET IT?!?!!
> I mean, if you're the real Dean Malenko, the suave, debonair playboy of wrestling...aren't you afraid that Vince and his > moles might find your editorials to be unflattering, and could put you (or the real Malenko, if you're not him) in deep > trouble?
Frankly, no! I'm much too big of a Superstar for Vinny Mac to punish or bury me! Just check out the PUSH~! that oaf Saturn and I have been getting recently!
> I'm probably not the
first guy to come up to you and question whether or not you're indeed Dean
> and I apologize for bringing up a question which you might find to be a boring one. But how can the
> folks on the boards and those just visiting them know you're legit?
Of COURSE I'm real, you buffoon!!
I'm as real as the next guy! I'm as real as the Easter Bunny! Also, you're
damn right I'm
legit... 2 legit to quit, cat-daddy!
> I hope you're indeed
the real Dean Malenko. Personally, I think it's cool that a real wrestler
> would be on a smark-oriented website like CRZ's. I'm just not sure if you're the real deal, or someone
> out to dupe smarks everywhere.
Of COURSE I'm really real!
I'm not some fabricated monster they invented to scare little kids, like
or Michael Jackson!! (Bonus points if you name the TV show I blatantly stole that from)
And why would I want to dupe the Smurfs?? They might be stupid little blue tools, but they don't hurt anybody!! What am I, Gargamel or something?! The Smurfs is one of Saturn's favorite shows. What a mental midget!
I also got this one, from Adam Mercer. He is British...so I'll speak slowly so that he may better understand:
Don't ya think your being
underused in WWF, I mean you left WCW because of exactly the same problem
yet had more success in Atlanta winning the US Title and all. The same
goes for Saturn, you were both doing better in WCW.
E-mail me back I'd love to be "Proven wrong".
DEAN MALENKO fan.
Mr. Mercer, I thank you for your concern! Frankly, YES, I am underused in the WWF! I am underused in EVERY promotion I participate in! ECW: No world title push! WCW: No world title push! WWF: No world title push! Japan: Being forced to job to Gedo in the first round of the 1994 Super J-Cup! To a stupid POWERSLAM!! What the crap is THAT about?!?! How would YOU like it if you had to lie down for a screaming, cutoff-wearing, blond-afro-having pig beast?! What have I done to make God angry!?! Why me?! But anyway, thank you for your support, Malenkomaniac! Oh, and as for Saturn, he's a buffoon, so who cares about him?! He is too busy going outside the lines in his coloring book to be too concerned about matters like this! I swear, you just can't talk to orange overgrown cross-eyed muscle dummies!
PS: I don't expect a response because no wrestlers to respond to any e-mail apart from Jerry Lawler.
He has PLENTY of time to answer emails nowadays! HA! What a tool! He deserves it for drooling over "puppies" all day and not properly putting over the Texas Cloverleaf as the PAINFUL SUBMISSION HOLD that it is in his commentary!
One more letter, and then
we'll move on:
~*~*~*~*~To Dean Malenko: Your HotSluts4U subscription is running out!!! Please renew, you sweet thang!!! We're SOOOOO HOT 4 U, sexy!!! Cum on in!!! ~*~*~*~*~
Whoops, how did that get
in here?!?! I mean --- oh GROSS! Only PERVERTS look at that smut! They
must have meant to send it to some other Dean Malenko! *ahem*
Anyhoo, I decided to page
through the latest issue of RAW Magazine (the June 2001 one!) and offer
my thoughts on the various goings-on in this rag... Yes, I did steal the
basic concept from Ozzy Stillbourne at Metal-Sludge.com,
screw off! Mr. Stillbourne and the whole of Metal Sludge is wicked funny,
go visit it ...LATER, after you finish reading my stuff, tool! If you have
a copy of this issue, go get it and play along! Now, let our journey begin...
So what's new? After all is said and done, I still find myself with the same tremendous urge to pound those beautiful BEEF CURTAINS~! (thumbs up, cheap pop, but no goofy smile, I don't do that!)
More table of contents crap: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to waste paper on Justin Credible?! Don't you people realize they cut down trees to make this stuff?!
"That's Incredible! Justin Credible has made Federation fans stand up and take notice!"
Or more likely, "stand up
and head to the crapper during his matches!" How exactly did Credible make
fans "stand up and take notice" anyway?! Because of his amazing string
of tremendous victories?! HAHAHA!! If memory serves me correctly, Credible's
ONLY singles win was against Grandmaster Sexay on HeAT a few months ago!
WOW! Need a ticket to stardom? Beat up an unemployed, hyperactive, drug
using wigga! The WWF will be beating down your door in NO TIME! You heard
it here, folks! Justin is the freakin' reverse X-Pac... he ALWAYS jobs
in singles matches! ("Unlike you, right, Dean?") SHUT UP
What the hell is THIS?! "Dean Malenko will become one of the game's best teachers one his in-ring career comes to an end." Now while I don't doubt that, WHY is JR so freakin' anxious for me to retire? Goddammit, don't rush me, you cretinous, corpulent commentator! I'll retire when I'm damn good and ready!!
There's also a small paragraph
where JR puts over Grandmaster Sexay. Too little, too late, Tubby! There's
probably a joke in it somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look... and besides,
I already DID a GMS joke in this column! One must stay fresh and original
if they want to be a MEGASTAR like me!
More letters: Shamina Mohamed
of New York, NY writes: "I would like to know more about the Rock and Chyna
--- can you please have more articles on them in future RAW Magazines?"
HOLY SHIT, stop the presses!! Thank you very much, Shamina, 'cause I HIGHLY
doubt the WWF was going to do any more articles on The Rock! Lord knows
he isn't over in the least and doesn't draw money and fans at all! I mean,
he doesn't know 1000 holds! Who wants to read about HIM?! NOBODY! That
is, until YOU stepped in and convinced us otherwise! And as for CHYNA?!
A six page spread ladened with pics of a scantily clad Chyna?! Like the
typical teenage male reader wants to see THAT instead of a six page article
on how my pappy, Boris Malenko influenced my life and career!! But for
you, honey, we'll make an exception! Thank you again, Miss Mohamedali,
for single-handedly resuscitating the dying careers of these two fading
stars, and also for your insightful creative input! What a she-tool.
You know what would be one of the best experiences of MY life?! If Miss Garcia had pulled a Dale Earnhardt during her little outing! Then we wouldn't have to put up with her half-assed announcing! She once announced me as "Dean Douglas" at a house show, and I've never forgiven her for it!
...Okay, I admit it, that Earnhardt crack was mean.
...I didn't say I was SORRY!
Go Speed Racer GO!! and then proceed to crash into a Castrol ad while going mach 10
p.28: Enough about Tiger Ali Tool! Here's a page on some WWF wrestlers the fans would actually recognize: The Hardy Boyz! Sez Matt about his dad, Gilbert Hardy: "It's interesting how he gets a rub from the success that Jeff and I have had. When people find out who he is, they'll ask for his autograph as well." Wow! I'm sure all the teenyboppers out there are wetting their Winnie the Pooh underwear over the possibilities of an autograph of the HARDY BOYZ'...father. "Omigawd, Jenny, I SOOOO got Gilbert Hardy's autograph!" "GET OUT!!! Omigawd, Ashley, he is SUCH a hottie!!" You'll be the K3WLEST kid in school, struttin' around with Gilbert Hardy's John Hancock in your possession!
One more thing I couldn't help notice: Sweet Jesus! Even though Jeff has yet to get his pubes, he is STILL wearing one of those fruity transparent mesh shirts like he does now! I guess Jeff's "Gay Raver" look didn't just happen... it's been goin' on for years, ladies and gents! ("Hey, why are you spending so much time looking at bare-chested little boys?") SHUT UP
"Haw haw, Jeff, mah trout is BIGGER'N YERS!!"
Sweet merciful McGillicuddy. They should use this picture for a "Just Say No" poster. "If this scares you, stay the fuck off steroids!" It would sure beat the shit out of "Tobacco is WHACKO if you're a teen! And this ad is totally gay for all ages!" and hey, look at this:
"HEY, GET OFFA ME!! How was I to know it was illegal in Canada?!?"
THERE'S that GMS joke I was
Terrific, you're hired!
Justin leaves us with these thoughts (which he quotes directly from JR, so, um...they're not really his): "If you work hard and try to improve, you can accomplish anything." *sniff* That's beautiful, Justin! They should put THAT on a T-shirt! Screw "Not just the best, not just the coolest, etc." go with "If you work hard and try to improve, you can accomplish anything" as your catchphrase, Sonny Jim! It's money in the bank, I tells ya! Also it fits perfectly with that fruity Uncle Crackhead X-Factor music and that PRECIOUS pink lighting of yours!
Looking over this column,
I notice that I've been pretty mean to poor Justin! So I'll say something
nice about him here to compensate: Um... uh... Those are some snazzy denim
shorts, buddy! Keep up the good work! *cough* Moving right along...
- Peace Out,
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko
Man of 1000 Holds, multiple title holder in WWF, WCW and ECW, accomplished ring technician, and EZBoard resident