Well, don't blame ME! I didn't title the damn thing! Anyway, greetings and hellos to all of my Malenkomaniacs!
AND TO THE NANIWAHOLICS! OF READING THE ARTICLES! Now!
That is quite enough out of you! Anyway, the big question on all your little minds is probably "Hey! Shooter! Where can I score some free pr0n?!" To which I would respond "You sick excuse for a human being! Why is that the first thing on your mind when you could be asking where I have been for the past two and a half months?!" Well, the pr0n is located here, at any rate! But now on to more important matters...
Anyway, in between working in OVW and drinking Scotch, I have been a very busy man! You see, I have come to the full realization that an overwhelming amount of you losers lack the mental ability to comprehend my wonderful columns about Japanese wrestling, or "puroresu" as some call it, which would be "a shorter way to say 'purofesshonaru resuringu' (professional wrestling in Japanese pronounciation)," according to some website! Uh, yeah, what Slanty said! So when I came to this realization, my foreign colleague Gran Naniwa and myself immediately set out on a mission! And our goal on this mission was to dig up as much knowledge as we possibly could about the long standing tradition of the great sport of puroresu, so that we could dispense this information into your soft, spongelike brains because you are all too cheap to plunk down a few bucks at Highspots or something and actually watch wrestling outside of the UNITED STATES OF A, you narrow-minded, jingoistic tools! We (well, I) flew to Japan and spent 40 days and 40 nights looking at ancient scrolls and Japanese texts in order to uncover as much as we could about puroresu's past, most of which is shrouded in mystery, like all old Japanese stuff is! I learned that from Karate Kid! So next time you're watching Funaki lose to Johnny Developmentalwrestler on Velocity, make sure you keep us and our grand mission in your otherwise empty little head and always remain aware of the contributions of the silly slants of days past!!
And one final note: What you are about to read is historical because it is the very firstest joint column from my Japanese colleague Gran Naniwa and myself! To prevent confusion, we will write in different colors for you! If you're colorblind, then MAN are you screwed since we speak almost exactly the same! Naniwa's English is THAT good! If not for the everpresent crab mask, funny eyes, and constant aroma of sushi, people would probably forget that he's a freakin' Jap! But for those of us with eyes that function properly, once again I will be writing in Iceman Blue for this column!
And I Naniwa me will
be to writing my letter words in CRUSTACEAN RED! To differentiate the very
difference between myself and Deano-san! So shutting to up yourself and
now we go on to the the HISTORY OF PURORESU (which translate to American
language as "pro-wrestling" but in Japan difference! 100% FUN TIME!)!!
For those not in the know (which would be most of you tools), Rikidozan was a Korean-born chap (lousy commie gook) who invented Japanese wrestling when he created the Japan Pro-Wrestling Alliance (JWA) in 1953! He even wrestled Lou Thesz a bunch of times, and as you can imagine he was much more difficult to defeat when he was still breathing! HAHAHAHA, come on now...of COURSE I kid Mr. Thesz! He was an inspiration to all fine technical wrestlers (like me) worldwide and the wrestling world has suffered a tragic loss due to his passing! I bet he's putting Jesus in an armbar or two right now as I type this (although such an act may be difficult due to the holes in ol' J.C.'s hands)! Anyway, Rikidozan never beat Lou Thesz for the UN-DISPYOOTED title or anything else because Japan always jobs to America, be it in wrestling, illiteracy rates, or World Wars! And check this shit out from puroresu.com (the site I'm stealing 99.9% of my info from): "4/23/62: Rikidozan defends the title against [Freddie] Blassie in a bloody match which causes a death from shock to an aged person who was watching the match on TV. It is the second case since 04/17/62." This intrigues me greatly! Frankly, I think we should have more of these "old people killin'" matches! I'll betcha my pappy Boris dropped dead after witnessing my smooth in-ring technique! While it would sadden me greatly to learn that I caused my own father's death, it would please me to know that he died with a smile on his face! Well, maybe! I don't think we Malenkos do that "smiling" thing!
Wrestling as euthanasia... truly this is a moneymaking enterprise just waiting to be born! And now that Dr. Kevorkian is in the clink, I can live out my dream of legally killing senior citizens! "Dr. Malenko's Rasslin' Death Clinic: We Give New Meaning To The Term 'Suicide Tope!'"AHHHHHHH ha ha hahahahahaha I just get better with time! Unlike most old people who get wrinkled and useless!
Anyway, Riki-san was did getting stabbing to death by Japanese mobsters of Yakuza in nightclub! In year of 1963! This of unfortunate incident did to force him into retirement at early years age of 39! But of course this news probably did not mean of much to a dumb American scumswine like you who was probably more concerning himself with passing deaths of such unimportant white devils like John F. Kennedy-san! WHAT DID THIS MAN EVER DO FOR SPORT OF WRESTLEFIGHT except book Marilyn Monroe to do the ultimate job?! Godspeed, Rikidozan-san, wherever you are is may be!
1970s: ALL JAPAN AND BABA-SAN! WOW!
WHAT GREAT MAGIC FUN!
I was too lazy to edit this picture, so just pretend Jumbo Tsuruta (left, wearing black) isn't there! Anyway, pictured on the right is the 6'10", 330 lb. Giant of the Orient, Shohei Baba! He began his now famous company All Japan Pro Wrestling in 1973 and HOLY DOGSHIT, look at that fucking freak! That is NOT a normal human physique! That is SCARY! The one-two punch of anorexic arms and saggy yellow nipples is too much for this Shooter to handle! Fuck this, I can't look at this picture any longer for fear that my eyeballs will jump out of their sockets and revolt against my brain! I'll let Naniwa explain this section, he's used to looking at deformed Japanese male bodies! I'm OUTTA here!
Deano-san does show the very xenophobic attitude to honorable Japanese comrade! OF SHAMEFUL FOR HIM! Anyway, honorable Baba-san did save sport of wrestlefight from DEATHLY DARK AGES in early seventies by creating great grand company All Japan Pro Wrestling! Over the years the very much amounts of smark swine would to ejacuspooge in their undies over the fantastical wrestlefight matches this company would does produce, including such superstars (OF WRESTLING!!!!) as Mitsuharu Misawa, Kenta Kobashi, and Toshiaki Kawada! Produce they did some of the greatest matches ever ever forever 100%, including a classic three-way match in 1996 between all three which did last for 27 days and ended in a draw! Of many chinlocks was this grand battle and it was a technical classic of the five stars! CONSTELLATIONS! of wrestling! Anyway, Baba-san did die the very death of liver failure in January 1999! WHY IS IT ALL OF WRESTLE COMPANY LEADERS ARE RUN BY ZOMBIES?!?!?! confusation is me
We should be barred from using the word "anyway." Anyway---aw, shit! Well, in June 2000, company ace Mitsuharu Misawa's constant clashes with Motoko Baba, Shohei's wife, had come to a head! In fact, I think the only reason he stayed as long as he did was so the Japanese people didn't come down on him for ditching the dead dude! That's Misawa-san's problem, you know...he's too NICE! Motoko Baba was, from all reports we read, not a very nice lady who paid little or no attention to the demands of the wrestlers! Rumor has it that the final straw was at an All-Japan Pro Wrestling TV taping, which as you may know, take up an entire day. So naturally, the wrestling companies cater meals for the employees on these days! And on this fateful day, Misawa-san requested his favorite sushi dish be brought to the arena...the rare Japanse fighting Miziyakitarufujisuwababanoriyamaguchipichi fish! But get this! That dumb broad Motoko ordered the totally commonplace Miziyakitarufujisuwababanoriyamaguchipichu fish! I mean, can you believe that daft slag?! How does a person with three functioning brain cells possibly get the two mixed up?! That's like confusing swordfish with goldfish! So Misawa had had all he could stand, and he couldn't stand no more! And he marked out for the unnecessary appearance of "had had!" As you can imagine, Misawa was fit to be Tiger Drivered and walked out immediately, taking approximately 20-odd of his lackeys with him. They went on to form a new company OF WRESTLEFIGHT!!! ..........called Pro Wrestling NOAH. And they wrestled and stuff. I'd say more, but you're gonna have to wait till Part 2 of the history of puroresu (doing research is HARD WORK!) for that!
OH, what a very entangulated web we do weaving in Zen Nihon Prowres! A very soaping detergent opera we should start from this storylines and calling it "As the Prowreslove Turns!"
NEXT TIME: NEW JAPAN! LUCHARESU FUN FUN HAPPY! PURORESU'S FUTURE! AND OTHER CRAP THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE INCLUDED, DEPENDING ON HOW DRUNK I AM! SEE YOU THEN!!!
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko!
with Gran Naniwa