WOW! Of Previewing Wrestling
by Gran Naniwa!
KONNICHIWA, AMERICAN SWINE! And GEE WIZZLETEETS, once again your puroresu hero Gran Naniwa does bring the predictings to your empty, worthless lives of living! Now I do realize the realization that these predictings are of the earliness before the show of wrestle fight, but you are must understand that unlike you lazy Americans, I am hard working Japanese kamikaze soldier! In great land of Japan of the Rising Sun, procrastination is a sin punishable by DEATH!!! Of painful! So obvious it should be even to a brain-dead hog like yourself that it is better to, as the American proverb does say, "save a nine stitches in time before you count the two birds in your hand before they hatch in the bush! In the BIRDBATH!"
Sadly, I must to beginning
this article column on a saddening note! Because the forces of busy have
once again invaded their way into the personal life of Mr. Malenko-san,
he did does not having the time to write yet another column for you round-eyed
pigs! So naturally, he did request of me to writing a column to get you
lazy jerks off of off of off his case! HONORABLE DEANO-SAN IS NOT OF A
JUKEBOX TO PLAY HAPPY TUNES ALL DAY AND NIGHT FOR YOU HOGS!!! But enough
chitty-chatty bang bang! Here is are my honorable predictions for THE GRANDFATHER
OF ALL OF THEM ALL: WRESTLING MANIA EGGS EIGHT!!!!!
You will be very proudful of me, stupid American reader! I have did done my research for this match, and in this researching I did uncover that Rick Flare did began his career of the much wrestling in 1972! B.C., THAT IS! HAHA! Score another victory point for the CRABMEISTER! The Underweartaker is also of the very aging! He has been wrestle fight for TEN YEARS (which is almost of an eternity! EONS!), and he will not let you forgetting it because he is incessantly blabbers about his ARCADE OF DESTRUCTION! I know not what that means, maybe Taker-san does wire his Pac-Man machines with dynamite! Do not ask me, for I am not the Dr. Naniwa who does tap into the pulse of the World Crap Wrestle Fight Federation!
Also I do hear the World Wrestling Federalism World Wrestling promotional team do babble about such meaningless accomplishments such as Undertaker being undefeated at every all Wrestling Mania he has attended! ZZZZZZ! (That sound you do hear was the sound of me catching the much sleeping because obviously I am bored and unimpressed with "The American Bad Rollin' Biker-Ass" Undertaking!) At great Michinoku Pro annual show "The Fun Battle Show With Flying Pigs and Dancing Fiery Robots ICHIBAN" I am undefeatered 7 YEARS STRAIGHT! It is held in abandoned rubber nipple warehouse in Yokohama and sometimes we draw up to 57 people to this great show! THE CRAB ALWAYS WINS! Sasuke-san could not paying us for these shows but he did purchase bought for me a pack of Bazooka bubbling gum! I did not understooding the joke on the wrapper, though! "Zena MALLED by mall!" What you say?! I am not understand your American punnery! SPEAK JAPANESE, YOU EYEPATCHED PIG DOG!!!
But anyways, honorable WWF dictator Wince McHam has once again put on his thinking thought cap to conjuring up a match that will no doubt BRING THE BUYRATE! of buying! For yet another PPV honorable Vincent K.-san has does come up with glorious and grand idea for you hogs to watch! "Hey!" honorable McHam says! "Let us take two old men of the much age, get them hopped up on Geritol, stick 'em in a ring together and WATCH THE MUCH MAGIC HAPPEN!" And then the Old Fogey Fun Fight would begin and your Oklahoma swine commentator Jim Ross JR Fatty would watching it and he does warble "OH MAH GAWD IT IS OF MUCH CHAOS AND THEIR WALKERS HAVE BEEN BROKEN IN OF HALF AND I COULD STANDING TO LOSS A FEW POUNDS OF FATTINESS!!" Please to commit hara-kiri, Ross Jim, and leave your tubby kiester off of my television TV and into nearest JENNY CRAIG-SAN CENTER!! To lose weight! BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT!!! OF MUCH!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!(lard buttocks!)!!!!!!!!
Winner: Rick Flare does switch Overgiver's engines with POWERFUL JET ROCKETS and he blasts off to the red planet Mars and a martian eats him! SO MUCH FOR YOU YOUR UNDEFEATING STREAK, PEPPY HARE!
SUNDAY NIGHT SLAMMIN'
"Cold Boulder" Steven Q. Austin vs."The Diamond Studded Razor" Scotts in the Hall
WOW! Yet another match that does typify the American spirit! "Hello, my name is Honorable Wince McHam and I have yet another big great wrestle idea! Let us take two raging alcoholics, get them shitfaced of shitting face drunkenness, and have them battle it out in a battle to the DEATH! BATTLE FIGHT OF THE INCORRIGIBLE DRUNKARDS!! HONORABLE FIGHTER WITH THE LARGEST LIVER DOES BRING HOME THE GOLD!" What a tremendously idea! *sniff, sniff* Are you smelling this smell that I smell? That is RATINGS, sir! EXCITEMENT 100%! Wince McHam, please! If I did wish to witness a couple of drunky drunks duke it out at your grand wrestle event, I would simply turn my head around 180 degrees and watch the drunken swine in the audience beat each other up because they cannot see the crap matches because of big "WHAT?" signs that do get in the way of sight vision! What hogs do clog the arenas to watch the garbage wrestle fighting you churn out with your awful WWF machine! WINCE McHAM, SATAN YOU ARE IS and if you was were to getting hit by a subway train that was of moving very fast velocity speeds, I would not be very remorseful!
Winner: EVERYONE, until the morning after! after!
Title Belt of United States
Nation of Idiots! Match!
Lord Steven Regal (OMG, BREAKING THE MUCH KAYFABE!) vs DMV
It is common knowledge even to a drooling halfwit hog like yourself that Bob Canned Ham of this matchup did compete for many of the years in ECW! And speaking of ECW, I once did heard a rumor once that commentator Joey STYLEs appeared at a WCW CLASH of the Champions once! Imagining that, STYLES at the CLASH! STYLES! CLASH! HAHAHA oh what sarcastic subtle thinly veiled humor commentary of great much sarcasm I do interweave into my work! This is why I am a great wrestle superstar and columnist, and you are a lazy American fatface!
So anyway, both of these wrestle fighters are of very poor workers and the matching-up will no doubt of SUCKAGE, so do not bothering to watch this match! Instead buy purchase for yourself a puroresu tape of my fantastic matches with many tremendous wrestle workers such as the Great Sasuke and Super Delfin! YOU WILL OF NOT BE DISAPPOINTED! And also I will receive the much yen in royalty fees!
Winner: NOBODY when watching this crap matchup! HAHAHA! Except for Vince McSATAN who does receive the much money from you dumb swine!
BEGRUDGING GRUDGEFUL MATCH:
Honorable Sexy Rock The vs. Hulkywood Orange Devil Swine Pig!
THE HOLLYWOOD HULKSTER SWINE, FUCKING SCUM YOU ARE VERY MUCH!!! YOU ARE ALMOST HAVE TAKING THE LIFE OF THE IMMORTAL ROCK THE!! AFTER MY HERO ROCK THE DOES LAYING THE SMACKING DOWNING ON YOUR ORANGE LEATHERY CANDY CANE BUTTOCKS HE WILL SCOOP ME UP IN HIS MUSCULAR ARMS AND WE WILL FLYING TO HAWAII AND MOVE IN TOGETHER AND OF GET MARRIED AND LIVE IN HAPPINESS FOREVER AND WATCH FEMALE PORNOGRAPHY OF WOMEN HAVING SEX (BECAUSE THE GAY IS NOT OF THE GAY IS NOT ME!!!)!!!
Winner: See previous statement! OF ANGER!!!! (Rock The if you are stupid American, and chances are greatly that you are!)
Nonexistent Tag Teaming
Belts Title Match:
American Psychological Association vs. Buck and Chili
HAHAHAHA! It does seem to me as if the APA are very epitome of typical dumb American pigs! I did see an episode of RawSmack! recently (I WAS JUST FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS, I do not to making a conscious effort to watch your American crap wrestle) and I did see the Ack-o-lights battlebrawl their way to victory in a wrestle fight to win shot of NUMBER ONE CONTENDER for team tagging title belts! At Wrestlemania! But then I did saw ANOTHER episode of Uncooked RAW Wrestle Zone and the American Pig Assfaces did of waste their titling title belt shot on this show! On a free TV show! And they lost anyways! WHAT DUMB HOGS! And I thought to myself "Thank of goodness I do not reside in such a craptacular country with dumb team tags such as Accolades The!" FFaarrooqq and Shawbrad are is very lucky that tag teaming partner Super Delfin and myself (THE LOVABLE SEA CREATURES!) do not swim to United States of Stupid and DESTROYING THEM!!! And also the champions current, Buck and Chili! THEY LOOK SO GOOD TO ME! How I would love to get down on the mat and wrestle up against their muscular, oily bodies! I mean, no I wouldn't! THAT WOULD BE IS AWFUL!!! But we and my way-hetero team tag partner would of winning anyway, because we are well-versed in arts of superior Japan puroresu wrestle!
Winner: Brad Shaw would does turn on Faarooq and join up with Buck and Chili because there are is nothing coming from Texas except STEERS AND QUEERS! HAHAHAHA
OMG, World Wrestle Federation
Title Undisputing Matchup! Match! Up!
Cripple H (OH, LAUGH OF LOUDNESS!) vs. Chris Jerusalem
I will probably not even bothering to watching this match! After all, it is very obvious to me that Chris Jerusalem is being held down by the GLASS CEILING (or more like the GIANT GLASS NOSE THAT INJECTS THE MUCH STEROIDS in this case! HAHAHA) Is TWO world title champion belts all Vince "Mephistopheles of HELL SATAN" McMahon could stand to give honorable Jericho-san?! Jericho-san was of correct right many years ago... it is of great conspiracy being held against him just because he did spend time in great nation of Japan honing his wrestle fight skills! If you were to asking me, Jericho deserves not only the WWWWWF and WCWCWCWCW Worldly Champion Belts, but also the Intercontinental Belt, the Hardcore Title Champion belt, Worthless Female Women Title, U.S. Title, Light Heavyweight title, Cruiserweight title, TV title, AWA World title, WCW U.S. Tag Team titles, IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Title, the Wimbledon trophy, the Stanley Cup, the Kentucky Derby, nosehair clippings of the late Andre the Gigantic Giant (of which I saw on Ebay and bidding reached up to 5000 YEN! BIG VALUE! ICHIBAN!), and Ted Dibiase's Million Dollar Belt! AND THE PERSONAL SERVICES OF VIRGIL! I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL MY DEMANDS ARE MET AND I WILL OF NEVER WATCHING WWF TV AGAIN UNTIL THIS DREAM DOES BECOMING A REALITY or until RAW on Monday, whichever comes first! in time!
So anyway, thank of you Triple H and your enormous nose for sneezing and of blasting the championshipping dreams of Chris "HOTT" Jericho out the window and into the grain thresher! Where they do become chopped up into bits and eaten by crows! Honorable Wince McHam may be Satan, but you is are...I don't know, whoever Satan's assistant is would be! Cerberus or Verne Troyer or a giant Devil Dog or SHUT UP AND KILL YOURSELF!!!
Winner: TRIPLE H, SADLY
I do not having my own e-lectronic mailing address so email care of Shooter-san!