Of Previewing the Rumbling
by Gran Naniwa!
KONNICHIWA, AMERICAN PIG HOGS!!! Since because "The Shooter" Dean Malenko-san is hard of at work looking over a certain World Federation Wrestling peridiocal magazine *wink wink* and getting of drunkenness from NyQuil, he did ask request of me to, as he say and I quote, "write some crap to distract those tools, otherwise they'll be up my ass with flashlights looking for a new column! Lousy ingrates!" HA! Deano-san brings the much funny! So as you can seeing, I was alerted to writing this article column on very short notice! If you are read this after the Rumbling Royalty event has occurred, it is quite obviously not the Naniwa's fault! Please to saving the dramatics for your mother, white devil! HA!
So I have decided with superior
crab intellect that this column will previewing the 30 man wrestle event,
"Rumbling Royalty!" This historical event was founded by Pat Patterson
many years ago when he was very wishful to see 30 muscular, sweaty men
in tights roll around with each other for an hour! What a faggypoof! Is
more like Royal BUMBLE if you were to asking me! But anyways, victory winner
of this match does go on to WrestlingManiacal X-2002 main event to fighting
WORLD CHAMPION! Of the world! With belt! But enough of history lesson from
Naniwa! LOL! (That is meaning "laugh of loudness" for you stupid swine
who are not high-tech smart like me!) ON WITH THE PREVIEWING ROYAL RUMBLING!!!!
I searched deep into depths of my crab mind for a reason to care about this match, and I could not find a one! Deano-san and I are in agreement: Cannot you devils see that Tazz and Spike are too short for this business?!?! of wrestling?! Frank quitely, this will be yet another typical American garbage wrestle fight match! With tables and blood and barbed wire which stings your bottom!!! Obvious it is to the Naniwa that Paul Heystack is of using his backstage pull to resurrecting the dead spirit of ECW (Extremely Champion Wrestling!)!! However, it is very too late and at this point there is no point to violating bloated, rotting corpse of ECW with your penis! It did die for a very REASON! And what did happen to former ECW stars?! Right down into the gutter of nowhereness they go, just like Rob Canned Ham and his "SPOT goes to the Circus" matches that are crap! of wrestling! And matches of his are get little to no reaction, frank quitely (this I can tell even though volume control on my TV is broken!) and he is are so-called "superstar" that NO ONE CARES ABOUT!! In truth! In reality! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!
So as from WWF.com site of Rumble Royal, "On the Jan. 7 episode of RAW, Tazz and Spike Dudley accomplished something that many sports-entertainers dream about but have never actually done -- they won a championship at Madison Square Garden." CONGRATULATION to you, shorty-shorts! Unfortunately, you will split up a month after this match and never acknowledge each other's existence ever again! ever! again! I will probably to watch pornography instead of watch this match (FEMALE pornography, gay is not me) so who does care?!!? Stupid short midget people!
WINNER: Strike Force, which wrestling historians like me will identify correctly as Tito Santana and Rick Martel who will win in a SWERVING SHOCK!!!!
Champion of the Women
Mormon Tabernacle Choir vs. Dodge Stratus
Who does care?!?!?! Women are of worthless fuckholes! (NOTE TO WOMEN WHO DID READ THIS: You didn't read this! Your tiny brains are probably hallucinating! Or something!!!)
Champion of Inferior America
Edge McEdge vs. Willie Wonka
You foolish American swine confuse and amuse me! Why is championship of U.S.A. (United States of ASSGOBLINS, HAHAHA) being contested over by a Canucklehead and a Limey British man?! But anyways! This match is not interest me either, as matters concerning Ugly Swine Americans do not concern me!! BUT, if Edgy were to somehow lose his tights and fall in vat of baby oil during this match, I would become much more interested (but gay is not me)!! Anyway, here is what WWFRoyallyBumbleBall does have to say about backstory of this match: "Edge gave Regal the Edge-ecution onto a steel chair, busting his nose open and requiring Regal to endure three separate surgeries." THREE surgeries!? Is THAT all?! The Naniwa did wrestle without a spine for a whole year and as you can seeing, I am in tip-top shape! And also furthermore: surgery of the nose?! WOW!!! Storylines involving the nostrils! HOW COULD THE NANIWA PASS UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO WATCHING A HEATED FEUD SUCH AS THIS?!?! (Note the much sarcasm, stupid pig!) Mayhaps the British man would be forced to wear stupid nasal guard for stupids like Test did back when he did get his nose broken every week! Frank quitely, however, Test does not needing the help to look stupid!! (OOOH, BITCHY ME!) Anyways, such nasal angles do draw the much money and I am very much compelled to throw away my yen on this trash pay-per-view with NOSE VS. NOSE MATCHES!! (More of sarcasm, as you can seeing!) I think honorable WWF owner Wince McHam does smoke the much opium sometimes!
WINNER: Edge will use his enormous Beavis teeth to biting off the bloody nose of Willie Brit and to end this feud once and of for all!
Street Fighter II
Rick Flare vs. Vince of Honorable McMahon! Wrestling! Jr.!
The major factors to considering in this match are that both combatant fighters are over 50!! HOW INCREDITASTIC!! World Federating Wrestling, talk to the claw because the crab face does not wanting to hear it! If Naniwa wanted to see old people battle it out in fights to the death, he would spike the punch at the old folks home like he usually does on Friday nights with Super Delfin! Is of the much comedy to see withered old coots bash each other over craniums with walkers! Last week Delfin and me did this while we had got smashed on sake! After a six-pack and being KO'd by a flying wheelchair, I passed out with Delfin and when I awoken and my crab bottom was in great pain when I did awaken! I know not why that is! Anyway, thinking I am that Vinnie Mac Attack (LOL) will winning this match to piss off you stupid "smark" fans! "IN THE WWF I AM NOTICING A VERY MUCH GLASS CEILING FOR BLEACHED BLONDE LISPING SENIOR CITIZENS, WAAAH WAAAH WAAAH!! DUD: Match was of there and there were no honorable Canadians in it so I am underwhelmed!" That was a thinly-veiled reference for you stupid "smark" swine! I am down with net lingo, as you can seeing! And also very much good at alliteration!!
WINNER: Someone old!
UndisSTUPID (HA! WHAMMO!)
World Wrestle Champion match
Honorable Rock The vs. Chris "Moongoose" Jericho
In recent weeks it does seem as if Rock The and Chris Girlyman have been at very odds with each other! BUT, in the impartial eyes of the crab it is quite obviously that the Ayatollah of STUPID Christ Jericho does not have a prayer in the world against alpha male Rock The! OH, ROCK THE! SMACK DOWN YOUR WAY INTO MY HEART!!!
The Bottom Line of the Bottom: Two muscular, well-toned, good looking young men, all greased up, and touching each other very intimately! Obvious it is to Naniwa that we are ALL winners when watching this very classic matchup!!
WINNER: Honorable Rock The will defeat Canadian scum Chris Nazareth and then he will drive to my house home in his Porsche while still shirtless and we will vacationing on the Sunset Strip to celebrate tremendous victory!! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, SWINE!!! (Note: homosexuality is not the Naniwa!)
THE GRAND DADDY OF THEM
ALL! THE ROYALLY RUMBLING MATCH!!!
Al Snow, Albert, Big Show, Billy, Booker T, Boss Man, Bradshaw, Christian, Chuck, Diamond Dallas Page, Faarooq, Godfather, Goldust (EAGER ANTICIPATING HIS ARRIVAL IS THE NANIWA!!), Jeff Hardy, Kane, Kurt Angle, Lance Storm, Matt Hardy, Maven, Mr. Perfect, Perry Saturn, Rikishi, Rob Van Dam, Scotty 2 Hotty, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Test, The Hurricane, Triple H, Undertaker, and Val Venis
After intense rigorous studying of this list, I have chosen to bet all the yen I have on MAVEN! HAHAHAHA!!!!! What a dumb name for a dumb person!! Maven! HAHAHAHA!! (NOTE: SARCASM AHEAD) I am very sure positive in my crab mind that Maven will win the Royalty Bumble and go on to become WWF Champion at main event WrestlingMania! HAHA! That was sarcastic sarcasm! Let the Naniwa be very frankly honestly: HOW LIKELY IS THAT OCCURRENCE?!?! Why is it that the WWF does give bald half-breed swine big push of all pushes?! His training was very minimal and not even of close to what students must go through in great nation of Japan! Over here, potential wrestle students must undergo 10 years of rigorous training to become great wrestle machines! This is why our wrestling is such so superior and you dumb devils do throw your yen away on puro tapes! HAHAHA! Furtheralso, such a place as OVW for overweight American pigs does not exist! In honorable Michinoku Pro federation, if you are weigh ONE OUNCE over assigned target weight, honorable Great Sasuke does cut your belly open with a samurai sword of sharpness while he barks insults upon your disgraced family name! "SASUKE-SAN WILL TO HELPING YOU LOSE WEIGHT...BY DISEMBOWELING YOUR INTESTINAL GUTS!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" And then you fry in the deepest, blackest layer of hell for having died a dishonorable death and your family spends rest of miserable lives living in SHAME! In shame! DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Harvard Chris, if you are do reading this, PLEASE TO CALL ME!!!! Love you so much I do in a very platonic way!! 1-976-NANIWALUV
WINNER: [I have
provided much spoiling space for you swine, so scroll down to see the Naniwa's
pick for Rumbling Winner!]
WHO CARES, AMERICAN GARBAGE WRESTLING IS FOR STUPID SWINE SUCH AS YOURSELF!!!!! HAHAHA!! ONCE AGAIN THE NANIWA DOES HAS PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR EYEBALLS!!!!
I am sick and tired and sick of talking about this stupid Paper View! So I will now go to have the much sexing with my beautiful wife (who does indeed exist, because gay I am not!) I am not! And until next timing, GRAN NANIWA IS ICHIBAN~! Happy trails, white devils!
the Gran Naniwa c/o "The Shooter" Dean Malenko!
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