Shane "Hurricane" Helms Abducted by Damn Dirty Apes!
Beaked by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko!


HELLO soon-to-be MALENKOMANIACS!!! This is none other than world famous wrestling superduperstar and close (but not THAT close) personal friend of Gran Naniwa,  "The Shooter" Dean Malenko on your dial! Actually, I'm on your monitor, but go with it, wouldja please?! Welcome to my debut column for Weekly! You may have noticed that I, like Naniwa, have assumed the role of ace reporter for this steaming pile of bandwidth you tools call a website! And like an angel from the heavens, I have beamed down to earth to bestow some behind the scenes, 100% guaranteed-to-be-true wrestling news upon the Play-doh-esque minds of you people! Some of you may be thinking "Hey, don't you guys just steal pictures from wrestlers' official websites and write wacky stories around them?" That's HOGWASH! We would never think of doing that! And on a totally unrelated note, I would like to check in with some Beaking News that I am sure you will find very intriguing!

You MANIACS! You blew it up!! Whassupwitdat?!

Doubt the credibility of MY news, will you?! Well guess what, toolz! Photos don't lie! Just ask the guy who invented the camera (except you can't because he's dead now)! The picture you see above is none other than "Shane Helms" (real name The Hurricane) being attacked by DAMN DIRTY APES!!! I managed to snap this photo just as the simian invaders used their tractor beams to suck poor Hurricane up into the bowels of their sinister spaceship! Notice how Hurricane smiles cluelessly, unaware of the unspeakable horrors the apes will no doubt inflict upon him! Two words, Shane-o: ANAL PROBES!! Huh? HUH? Yeah, I thought so! Where's that big ol' grin now, Chester?! Also notice the glowing green letters the aliens flashed before they flew off! What could this strange alien language mean?! Our crack team of investigative reporters (literally, a team of hobos I pulled off the streets, all of whom smoke crack) is hard at work trying to decipher this mysterious message! I tell ya, they're trying everything under the sun to unlock this cryptic code! Dictionaries, interpreters, the Rosetta Stone, the whole shebang! Further details as events warrant!

Hurricane has not been seen since this photo was taken last Tuesday! You may see him on shows like SmackDown and HeAT and think that I am lying, but remember those shows are PRE-TAPED! (I didn't mention RAW 'cause really, when the hell was the last time Hurricane Helms was on RAW?!) However, I have set up a fund in hopes that we may someday see our dearly beloved Shane again! Oops...uh, right, yeah, I forgot to mention that the hostile space apes are holding Shane for a ransom of exactly one zillion dollars! Send money (large bills only PLZ) to the following address, if you ever want to see your darling Sugar Shane again!:

Save the Hurricane Foundation!
WWF Inc., c/o "The Shooter" Dean Malenko
1313 Easy Street
Titanland, USA

And of course, uh, once I receive the money, I will send it to the aliens via the intergalactic postal service! I won't spend it all on vodka and whores! Swear to God! C'mon, would *I* do something like that?! (Answer: No! I'm much too honest! Just look at me! I have an HONEST FACE!)

You can also visit the website of Shane "Hurricane" Helms for further information!  HAHAHAHA, his stupid website is hosted by AT&T Worldnet! He doesn't even have his own domain name! What a loser and a cheapskate! This site isn't too nausea-inducing actually, just be wary of his gross overuse of LOL! "Hurri-diary entry for November 16th 2001: I gave Matt Hardy a wedgie today. LOL He told me to fuck off. What a kidder! LOL!! WHASSUPWITDAT?!!? LOLOLOLOL ROTFLMAOLOL OMG" Creepin' Crawlin' Christ, Hurritool, can't you use your super powers for COOL stuff like looking at Stacy Keibler with your x-ray vision, instead of pounding out net acronyms faster than a speeding bullet?! Can you BELIEVE some of the walking crap I have to share a locker room with in the WWF?! Holy tap dancing Jesus. No wonder I retired!

So in summation: Shane "Hurricane" Helms, dead at age 27! Or 26 or however old he was! Hurricane, we hardly knew ye!

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Archive o' Articles: WV section coming soon, I PROMISE!! (tools)