The Shooter's RAW Magazine
Revue: January 2002
by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko!
HELLO ONCE AGAIN, MALENKOMANIACS!
Well, it should be obvious to everyone with a pulse that the new year has
arrived! And what better way to start this palindromic new year with a
bang than with the glorious return of my trademark RAW Magazine reviews?!
Yes, in an event more long-awaited than Triple H's return, I have once
again made RAW Magazine safe for you tools to read! I would have had this
review finished sooner but I did not want that dastardly Triple H and his
sizable schnozz to steal my thunder! Much like that juiced-up jackass,
I, too was severely injured over the past few months! Due to a wicked hangnail,
I was understandably much too incapacitated to turn the pages of this lousy
rag! I didn't want to chance it, either... if I had gotten a paper cut
on top of my devastating hangnail, my career in writing literary masterpieces
on the internet may very well have been over! BUT, because of my guts,
determination and intense consumption of alcohol to numb the pain, I was
able to rehabilitate myself back to tip-top shape! I tell you, I was in
that rehab center for 27 hours a day, 8 days a week! It was grueling, but
it was all worth it to return to what I love doing: getting drunk, watching
Family Ties, and passing out whilst babbling sweet love nothings to Mallory
Keaton! Oh yeah, and writing these things! And that, dear reader, brings
us to this point in time! As always, if you have a copy of this, go get
it and play along! If not, go buy one, cheap ass! Strap in folks, 'cause
HERE WE GO:
Will weight issues be
the unnecessary downfall of some prominent Superstars in the WWF?
Probably, if THIS guy's in charge! "[cradling a bucket of chicken] Quite frankly, you need to drop some *CHOMP, CHEW* weight before we let you on the primary *BURP* roster! You're a young hoss *GULP, SMACK, CHOMP* with a bright future in *SLURP, EAT* this business! *BELCH* Wanna leg?! [young hoss reaches for it, JR pulls it away] FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' FAT FUCK, you eat nothing for the next six months or your ass is BAH GAWD fired! Erk...I think I can feel my heart chambers shutting down..."
Why is Paul Heyman so
easy to dislike?
Ya got me! Just remember folks, JR does NOT hate Paul Heyman, no matter how much he bashes him on TV! "Even though I have invoked Satanic incantations on the Heyman family name at house shows and burned a cross on Paul's front lawn, behind the scenes we're really good buds, BAH GAWD!! Put 'er there, Paulie! (ya dirty Jew...) What? Oh, uh, nothing!" WHATEVER, Jimbo! It's like my pappy Boris Malenko once said: "Never trust a fat southern man with Bell's palsy wearing a cowboy hat!" Words to live by!
What is Matt Hardy thinking
about these days?
Boobies. Being a fellow male, I can assure you that's ALL we think about! "Gawsh, Jayeff, ah wish ah wuz grabbin' some funbags raht now!"
What does the future hold
for Diamond Dallas Page?
(A picture is worth 1000 words, from the Man of 1000 Holds! Dude, that's like, COSMIC!!)
Does anyone verbalize
more effectively than William Regal?
NEVER mention "verbalizing effectively" and a British guy in the same sentence! "Blimey guvnah! What a load o' bollocks! It's all feckin' gobshite, I tell ya, Willie! I think I'll take the lift up to Bailey's, eat some crumpets, quaff some alkeyhol, and get so bloody shitfaced I'll need to change me nappies!" You call THAT verbalizing effectively?!
Will Tajiri realize sooner
than later that he needs to speak better English?
I'll let my crabby compadre from the Land of the Rising Sun deal with this one!
"HAHAHA! What a dumb, fat, Oklahoma swine is Jim JR Ross of the much barbecue sauce!! English not necessary is for being great wrestler! This is why wrestle from great nation of Japan is of much better than you Engrish speaking snobs! Imagine, you white devils forcing us to mastering art of stupid language of American! HA! You foolish pigs!"
Can X-Pac have a healthy
No, because I hired several large Mexicans to beat the snot out of him with a crowbar! It set me back quite a bit financially, but honestly:
Hiring Pepe, Jose, and Tito to end X-Pac's career: $3000 and a couple of burritos at "Big Bobo's Taco Hut"
Never having to watch X-Pac wrestle ever again: PRICELESS
Who will be Tough Enough
this season on MTV?
ME, if there were any justice! But NOOOOO, instead they've got guys like Hardcore Holly on that stupid show! Listen... Bob Holly is far from the type of person MTV is looking for! I mean, he has a receding hairline and absolutely no charisma! MTV and the WWF both want nothing to do with a guy like that! So quite frankly, I should be on TE2, basking in the limelight of MTV stardom, and making guest appearances on that Spring Break show! I bet I could pick up some of those drunken teenage bitchez! I'm hotter than all five of the Backdoor Boys or whatever their name is!
Will Spike Dudley ever
find true love?
Can the light-heavyweight talents ever find their place in the sun?
Will you sample JR's BBQ Sauce when it becomes available in stores later this year?
Will Albert and Scotty Too Hotty become a main-event tag team?
Will Lance Storm's in-ring ability be recognized by those that matter?(i.e., by people who aren't acne-ridden internet dweebs?!)
Arguing about which wrestler
would win in a fight...Christ, was this article was written by Mrs. Yahootie's
3rd grade Special Ed class?! "DAHHHH NO WAY AUSTIN COULD BEAT THE ROCK
JOEY YOU STUPID!!!! AHAHAHAHAahahahaaaaaaghhhh [drool]"
Hey, check out this picture
of a young Bradshaw:
Man, sometimes these things just write themselves!
Anyway, I'm (Brad)SHAW that this article is crap! NEXT!!!
page 24: "72 Hours: You Don't Know Half the Story Until You've Walked a Mile in J.R.'s Boots" I'd rather wear my OWN shoes, thx! But anyway, here is a quote from this article: "Ross studies notes before the start of the No Mercy pay-per-view. JR's meticulous preparation is a huge part of his on-air duties." Now, NORMALLY one could only speculate as to what Good Ol' JR had scrawled on these pages! BUT, you tools forget that you're dealing with a bona fide WWF Superstar here, and I have access to such backstage shenanigans! So I put Tubby in an armbar and stole his notebook, and now I reveal the shocking truth to ordinary people like YOU!
- Plug BBQ sauce at least
500 times per televised show, 700 times during pay-per views!
- Keep in mind: Chris JERICHO = smartass with long blond hair. Chris BENOIT = the guy with the missing tooth and short arms. Everyone makes fun of me for confusing the two even though they have appeared on every show for 2 years, but c'mon! They look so damn similar! They're practically TWINS, bah gawd!! No one understands the pain I go through, dear diary! Oh wait, this isn't my diary!
- Under NO circumstances call a wrestler's finisher, other than the Stunner and the Rock Bottom!
- Terms to use:
[WRESTLER'S NAME HERE] has been broken smack dab in half! (reminder: this is only in the figurative sense!)
MAH GAWD! MAH GAWD!
Hey, where's my underwear?!
- Fire that short guy with the receding hairline and scratchy voice, or at the very least, demote him to our farm federations! This asshole has been causing trouble since day one and I'm sick of dealing with the putz! And he wonders why we never gave him a push! As he would say, what a TOOL!
(HA! I feel sorry for whoever that is! - Dean)
Anyway, Stone Cold enlightens us with these words: "Yes, you've got Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, but as far as I'm concerned, Debra is one of the top females in the business. Before she left to take care of me, she was already one of the top females in the business, if not the top female in the business." All I have to say is: WHOO-CHH! WHOO-CHH! Wait, how do you type that whip cracking sound? See, he's WHIPPED, so...right. SHUT UP, it was funny when I was off my rocker on Pete's Wicked Ale at 3 a.m. last night!
But mayhaps I've been too
critical to poor Debra! Austin may be on to something when he claims that
Debra is a smart, talented woman! Yes indeed, Debra is a master in the
field of "Standing Around at Ringside and Applauding During All the Right
Times!" Way to go, horseface! I cannot even begin to fathom why this woman
gets a better reaction from the masses than I do! ("Deano-san! Obvious
it is to me that there is are TWO BIG REASONS for success of Mrs. Stone
Beer Cold Austin Rattlesnake!") Who asked YOU?!
And let's not forget that other broad who won! 3 months of constant torment from an orange midget from Brooklyn, all for the chance to accompany Maven to ringside a few times! WOW. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Nidia!
"It takes a special kind
of person to wait in line to get their tails kicked, but that's what Maven
and Nidia did." Yeah, SPECIAL is the right word! "AHHHH DUHHH HEE HEE
HIT ME AGAIN, PAIN DON'T HURT AND BESIDES MY HELMET WILL ABZORB THE PAIN!!!
1995 - Tazz suffers
a broken neck at the hands of Too Cold Scorpio and...er, myself... well,
I'm SORRY! I was drunk! You understand, don'tcha?
1999 - Droz suffers a broken neck at the hands of D'Lo Brown at a SmackDown! taping
So I guess you have to have
a black guy drop you on your head to get an official column around here!
Go figure! I think I'll stay on the 'Net and keep my vertebrae intact,
thankyouverymuch! And that's all for this month, Malenkomaniacs! SEE YA!!!