Well, HELLO readers! The Man of 1000 Holds has once again returned to bring joy to your boring, meaningless lives! The response to my first column was so overwhelming that I decided to once again put pen to paper and pump out yet another literary classic for my legions of Malenkomaniacs! By the way, Z-man, you accidentally crossed my name out in the previous column! If I weren't such a big fan of you and your recaps, I'd put you in the Texas Cloverleaf! HA, only joshin' ya, C-Robby Zim! Me and the Zimster good-naturedly rib each other all the time! Like this: Hey, CRZ! Um... uh... GET A HAIRCUT!! Ha ha ha! You tree hugging HIPPIE! HAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, man, that's a good one! I bet Z is laughing with me right now, that merrie old soul! By the way, here is proof that CRZ is a Malenkomaniac... just check out this quote from his RAW recap of February 19th, 2001: "Doan puts on the ten count - at 2, Malenko pulls Lita over him - 1, 2, Malenko manages to kick out. Malenko RULES." The proof is in the pudding, Z-man!
Anyway, on to important business. As many of you know, my R2dical cohort and brain dead buffoon Perry Saturn was temporarily "sent home" by the WWF for his attack on independent wrestler Mike Bell during a match at a Jakked/Metal taping a few weeks ago. In said match, Bell attempted to execute an armdrag on Saturn, and screwed up royally, causing Perry to fall on his head and shoulders (and I don't mean the shampoo --- HA, get it?) Saturn took exception to Mike Bell's incompetent boobery and proceeded to lambaste him with stiff punches, toss him out of the ring in such a way that he landed on his head, and ram him into the ring steps so hard that his fillings came loose! As a result, Perry got sent home for a few days by the WWF higher-ups. Although the WWF was initially upset, the incident seemed to have blown over quickly, as Perry reappeared at the next RAW show with me in tag team competition. However, upon hearing of Saturn's volatile in-ring conduct, several intra-ma-net pundits demanded that Perry be suspended, fired, harangued, or even a combination of all three! What does the Shooter say in response to these gentlemen??
SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YO' MAMA!!
PLEASE, folks! Enough crying for Mike Bell! It is my sincere belief that Mr. Bell got exactly what he deserved! I mean, the tool F'd up an armdrag! An ARMDRAG!! They teach you how to do an armdrag on your first day of wrestling school! Mr. Bell has no place in the squared circle if he cannot properly execute a basic maneuver such as an armdrag! Why, back when I was first learning the ropes in wrestling school, if you couldn't do an armdrag, you know what happened to you?! They put you in the "SPECIAL" class with the "SPECIAL" students, if you catch my drift! Where you would trade holds and reversals amongst a sea of drool! Where limp, twitchy wrists perform wristlocks! Where helmeted, brain damaged heads butt together in combat! ... Oh, hey, c'mon, no disrespect meant to the special class! They may not be the sharpest knives in the drawer, but they can pull off some impressive maneuvers despite their numerous crippling disabilities! I mean, a figure four is impressive enough... but when both guys are in wheelchairs?!
Screwing up an armdrag... Disgraceful! I am glad Saturn almost dropped Mike Bell on his empty head! Maybe then it would have knocked some sense into him! Maybe then it would have injured him in such a way as to remove him from the business altogether, and make way for the rising stars of the future who have mastered the art of performing armdrags! How many times do I gotta tell you people?? NATURAL SELECTION!! Which is, as anyone with a third grade education knows, Darwin's primary theory which states, uh... "Those who are tools are less likely to survive long enough to mate with others and reproduce more tools!" Genetic predisposition to those who are technically proficient! Survival of the fittest, cat daddy! How do you think I managed to last so long in this business?!
Ya know, over in Japan, (where I competed and excelled for many years) if you botch an armdrag, you must commit hara-kiri or live forever in disgrace! Yes folks, the Japanese belief of death before dishonor lives on between those very ring ropes! In fact, I saw one poor Jap sap (whose name I will withhold to protect the guilty) blow an armdrag against the Great Sasuke back in '93! The match was stopped immediately as a chorus of boos rained down upon the poor slob! The ring announcer apologized to the fans on behalf of the country, and then handed the tarnished wrestler a sword, which the sorry bastard then thrust into his stomach! As his life's blood and viscera (no, not the 500 pound black guy) spilled out onto the canvas, he cried tears of dishonor and begged his country for forgiveness as Sasuke looked on, shaking his head in disgust! He then passed away in the middle of the ring, to the applause of the capacity crowd, having saved face and died an honorable death after committing such a grievous in-ring error!
It was pretty cool to see.
Finally, after this grim spectacle, the ring crew cleaned up the mess and geisha girls threw lotus blossoms to the crowd to lighten the mood! Then, once the crowd was back on track after the mild unpleasantness earlier in the evening, I rushed to the ring to take the dead fellow's place in the match! Sasuke and I had a ***** technical classic matchup, in which I prevailed over 'Suke with the time tested Texas Cloverleaf!! To show him there were no hard feelings, I bought him sake afterwards! We got shitfaced and stayed up till 4 a.m. alternately vomiting and doing Jushin Liger impressions! But that is a story for another day! ... Now, where was I? Oh yeah --- so as you can see, Mike Bell is lucky he was performing over here in the States in front of 20,000 slavish, inbred hicks instead of the tough, unforgiving Japanese crowd! Otherwise he would have found himself counting the arena lights with a Bowie knife in his belly! His thrashing from Saturn was a cakewalk compared to that!
Now, when I learned that my colleague was sent home as a result of his actions, I immediately called his house in an attempt to unveil his innermost thoughts and feelings about this travesty of justice! Here is a transcript of my telephone interview with Saturn:
ME: Hello, Perry!
How are you holding up?
SATURN: Duhhh, hullo, Jean?! Are you there? *beep, beep* Hey Jean, is that you?? *beep, beep, beep*
ME: You're not supposed to dial the number NOW, you oaf!!
[20 minutes pass as I try to explain to Saturn how a telephone works]
ME: --- so I repeat, there is NOT a little man in the phone who imitates the person on the other line! I am speaking DIRECTLY to you!
SATURN: Wow, I guess you learn somethin' new every day!
ME: Anyway, let me go right to the issue at hand. What exactly were the circumstances surrounding your vicious assault on Mike Bell?
SATURN: Duhhh, well Jean, Mike Bell was being a dopey-head so I hit him with my FISTS!! I got tired of fighting dumbfaces like him on Jakked so Ding Dong Bell felt my WRATH!
ME: Well, Perry, let me just reiterate that I am completely on your side! There is no place in our great sport for tools like Mike Bell!
SATURN: Duhh, thanks, Jean!
ME: You're very welcome!
SATURN: Um, what does "re-litter-bate" mean??
Well, Saturn's alibi was rock solid! But far be it from me to be a biased reporter! For my study to be complete, I would first have to delve into Mike Bell's side of the story! I caught up with Mr. Bell at the Titan Tower offices, where he had stopped by to pick up his paycheque:
ME: Hey you! Aren't
you the tool who botched an armdrag and consequently got his kiester handed
to him by Perry Saturn?!
MIKE BELL: *sigh* Yeah, that's me...
ME: HA! Smooth move, Bam Bam Bumblefuck! Anyway, what are your thoughts on this earth shattering situation, Bellcurve?
MIKE BELL: Well, first of all, Mr. Malenko, if that IS your real name, mistakes in professional wrestling can and do occur! We may be some of the greatest athletes in the world, but we are only human, and thus, are bound to make errors! Plus, an independent grappler such as myself rarely has the opportunity to compete on such a grand spectacle! Nerves do take their toll even on the best of us, Dean! For your little pal Saturn to exploit my fears and take out his frustrations on me was beyond unprofessional, Mr. Malenko... it was morally reprehensible! And another thing, you can tell that cross-eyed hothead that ---
ME: Yeah, whatever. Cry me a river, ham 'n egger!!
Then I put him in a cross arm breaker till he cried. Loser. Then security heard the ruckus and came running up, demanding to know who was responsible! I quickly let go of Bell and told the guards that old Willy the janitor did it. He got fired and was forcibly ejected from the building, cursing me and family name all the while! Then I ran away from all the commotion and hid in a broom closet for three hours.
So there you have it, folks... Saturn did what any rational human being would have done given the circumstances! And if Mike Bell is gonna be a pansy about it, then he shouldn't be in this business... let him go flip burgers or work in the frozen food section at Waldbaum's or something...
One final piece of evidence: I submit to you this picture, dear reader! Does THIS look like someone with maladjusted social tendencies???
I think not.
Anyway, that wraps up this edition of my column, Malenkomaniacs! If you have any questions or comments, send me an email and if your questions or comments are good enough, I might just reply to them in a future column! *COUGH COUGH HINT HINT* So get crackin', you tools, and I'll see all you Malenkomaniacs next time!
- Peace Out,
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko
Man of 1000 Holds, multiple title holder in WWF, WCW and ECW, accomplished ring technician, and EZBoard resident