PREFACE: The time: July of 1999. The place: California. I was a WCW superstar at an autograph signing with my colleague and buffoon, Perry Saturn. The day was uneventful... the usual array of screaming Malenkomaniacs itching for the John Hancock of the Man of 1000 Holds... until I was approached by a long-haired fellow! Upon giving him my autograph, he offered me the URL of his then-fledgling wrestling website, [/slash] wrestling! I wrote the address down on a slip of paper, and promised I would visit it in the near future!
Well, I caught a flight back home and I gotta be honest, I TOTALLY forgot to visit it!! In fact, I carelessly threw the slip of paper into my bottom drawer, where it lay unnoticed amongst my Fruit-of-the-Looms for almost two years. Finally, in early May of 2001, I discovered it! I went to the site and WOW was I amazed! How far it had come since those lazy, hazy, crazy days in the Summer of '99!
I read the guest columns and immediately wanted a piece of the action!! So I shot Mr. Zimmerman an email asking if he remembered me, and what he thought about the idea! What did he think? Well, read for yourself!!
"Good God, you're not gonna write a column as "Dean Malenko," are you? 'cause, really, that might work for one or two columns but then it's gonna get SO LAAAAAAAAME"
HA HA HA!! Oh man, he's still got it! With support like this, how I could I turn back?! Therefore, I dedicate this inaugural column of mine to the one, the only Christopher Robin Zimmerman. Thanks for your continued support, Malenkomaniac!!! Now, on with the festivities! Here is the title and author again, for you tools with the attention span of a goldfish out there...
The State of Wrestling
in America Today
by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko
Greetings, readers! I am Dean Malenko, former ECW/WCW superstar and current WWF superstar whose astounding in-ring technical prowess has earned me such prestigious nicknames as "The Shooter," "The Iceman," and the "Man of 1000 Holds!" This is my first attempt at writing a column on this newfangled intra-ma-net, so if you don't like it, screw off!
And don't think you're gonna weasel out of reading it, either! You're going to read it RIGHT NOW, all the way through! You're NOT going to hit the "Back" button on your two-bit AOL browser so you can read someone else's column!! You're NOT going to click on Y-Pac's latest love sonnet to Triple H, "Oh How the Glistening Sweat On Your Giant Schnozz Makes My Heart a-Flutter!" You're NOT going to click on Rebecca Cerese's latest "..."-laden column about how the Hardy Boyz make her wet her pretty pink panties! And you're NOT going to click on Dean Rasmussen's latest piece entitled "JAPANESE PEOPLE~! ROLIE POLIE OLIE~! I'M CLINICALLY INSANE~!~!~!~!" No, you're going to sit your cottage cheese keister down in that squeaky swivel chair of yours, and you're going to read my thoughts on the state of wrestling in America, and you're going to LIKE IT!!
And you there! Get your goddamned finger out of your nose and PAY ATTENTION!! There is no such wrestling hold as the "Single-Fingered Nasal Cavity Lock," so stop it and listen up!
OK, so, the state of wrestling
in America today:
Okay, I figured you'd want more than that. Allow the Man of 1000 Holds to elaborate.
It is a sad day in America when the "WRESTLING" part of professional wrestling has become almost a non-factor. Everywhere the Shooter looks these days, he sees a match with nary ONE wrestling hold in it! And it disgusts me, quite frankly, to see more and more non-holds to be on the receiving end of huge pops from the usual gang of idiots known as the crowd! For example, the "People's Elbow." This is a flagrant violation of the integrity of our sport! Can't any of you uneducated orangutans see that the People's Elbow is not a HOLD?! Can't anyone realize that it is little else than a ludicrously overdone elbowdrop that even a four-year-old girl with Down's syndrome could kick out of?! Now although I have never been on the receiving end of this so-called "wrestling" move personally (in fact, I am not sure the Rock even knows who I am), I can state with absolute certainty that it is not as painful as a good, old-fashioned LEGLOCK! By golly, I'd have you squealing like a little piggy with that hold! But nooooo, if I were to ever apply a leglock to ol' Rocky (Hey, it COULD happen!!) he would no doubt "no-sell" it and eventually force me to do the J.O.B. to his stupid elbow like so many talented grapplers before.
Ya know, the Rock wouldn't last a NANOSECOND in Japan with the pathetic arsenal of wrestling holds he possesses! Half-assed figure four, shitty Sharpshooter, crappy Crossface... and lest we forget that God-awful People's/Corporate/Whatever-The-Fuck elbowdrop! If the Rock even so much as ATTEMPTED that ghastly "maneuver" in the Land of the Rising Sun, he would be booed mercilessly and laughed out of the building by the endless sea of slanty-eyed humanity! "Oh WOW, Rocky, a rococo elbowdrop?! Is THAT all you have to offer?! Don't make us laugh! Come back when you've learned to apply a decent Fujiwara armbar, and THEN we'll talk! As of now we are woefully underwhelmed, American dog!" And why would they say this, you may ask? Because over in Japan, they know what's good! They know that it is called professional WRESTLING for a damn good reason!! And THAT is why I was so over in Japan.. Because they respect a man with a vast knowledge of holds and reversals!
To be truthful, even though my dad was professional wrestler Boris Malenko, I was never a big fan of so-called "professional wrestling!" I was always an amateur wrestler, and a darn good one at that! When I was a little bitty boy baby, my dad would come up to me and say "Hey, li'l Dean! Do you want to come watch Daddy wrestle at the show today?" and I'd say "NO!!! That's not REAL wrestling, Daddy, that's all GARBAGE!!" and then I'd throw a bowl of oatmeal at him. Do you think I'm BS-ing you?! Read for yourself! I got into this business because of the competitiveness and sheer thrill of it all. Also, it paid well! And naturally, when I made my debut in the world of professional wrestling, I was great at that too! "That Malenko boy," they said, "someday he'll be famous!" And by God, they were right! I worked my bum off, studied the art of wrestling relentlessly and became one of the greatest technical wrestlers in the world.
But do I get the same respect over here in the US of A, in the WWF rings, in the land of Mom and apple pie?! NO!!! And it baffles me, it really does! The ever-decreasing popularity of wrestling holds here in the States brings a tear to my icy eyes, it really does! To see "garbage wrestlers" such as Mick Foley, Tommy Dreamer, and Raven surpass me in popularity just boils my blood! Any schmuck with a pair of $20 wrestling tights can break a table, but it takes TRUE talent to know how to reverse a short-arm scissors into an inverted stepover toehold facelock! Even Lita, for Christ's sweet sake!! gets more cheers than the Iceman does these days, despite her minimal (possibly even nonexistent) knowledge of holds, counterholds, and reversals! Don't you people ever notice her moveset consists of two poorly-executed aerial maneuvers: the sloppy Moonsault-On-The-Knees and the Hurricanrana of Potential Vertebral Snappage?! Now while I think Miss Lita is very pretty and I would like to have wild monkey sex with her, her wrestling ability sucks a golf ball through a garden hose. If she and her ugly tattoo were to take a trip toJapan, the female workers there would eat her for brunch and ask for seconds! And this is why her massive popularity astounds me! I mean, let me ask YOU, the average 18-34 year old heterosexual male viewer... who would YOU rather see all sweaty, wearing tights, and rolling around on a mat with other members of the same sex???
You'd think the choice would be obvious, wouldn't you? Well, I polled 1000 random people about the issue, and the results were astounding:
Can you BELIEVE it?! Apparently technical ability has been flushed down the crapper by the whole of society. The herd of slavish humans that embrace the lack of wrestling holds in today's "wrestling" truly agitates me. It is this kind of wrestling "slave morality" that perturbs me to no end. Is there ANY hope for humankind???
I believe in a wrestling superfan, an "Überfensch," if you will, who can some day embrace the classic art of wrestling, and allow those who are skilled in such an art to rise to prominence once again. I urge you, fans, to USE your will-to-power and create your own technical wrestling master morality! Give joy and brightness to your boring, meaningless lives!
"But Dean," you say, "How can I do that? What can I, as an individual, do?" The answer is simple: write to the WWF and bitch endlessly about how I am not on TV enough!!
WWFE Corporate Headquarters
1241 East Main Street
Stamford, CT 06902
With your help, Malenkomaniacs, I can once again rise to the same echelon of distinction that I achieved in Japan, ECW, and (ugh) WCW. So join the crusade, dear readers! Show others the glory of good, old-school wrestling! Get no-talent crowd killers like the Rock and Lita off our televisions! Let's get back to the basics and usher in a Renaissance of technical wizardry!!
Failing that, just click on my e-mail address and send me five bucks. My old WCW action figure is in the clearance bin at Kay-Bee, but I can't afford it on what the WWF pays me!
- Peace Out,
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko
"Man of 1000 Holds," multiple titleholder in WCW, ECW, and WWF, accomplished wrestling technician, and EZBoard resident